Newt Gingrich Loses Swimsuit Contest

I was shocked when Newt Gingrich lost the swimsuit competition during last night’s Florida Debate.  Certainly Newt can fill-up the stage, but can he pull-off a maillot — no strike that — the thought makes me go blind.  Last night Newt and Mitt were in a head-lock as to who has the sleaziest financial background, and for once the Newtster was caught speechless. But one thing was sorrowfully missing on last night’s stage: the divisive wedge issues we’ve all come to know and love…  You know what I’m talking about — the subjects Republicans use as a diversionary tactic to keep from having to confront the real issues hard-on.  So in today’s blog, I’d like to rekindle those issues using the worst possible taste.

Sex is the unspoken 800lb gorilla in any room.  Woe is the poor soul who finds themselves having sex with an 800lb gorilla – but I digress…  Sex has through the centuries been the all-purpose accuse-all for all-time.  It’s the misplaced modifier of life: “Mrs Jones stopped over while I was mopping the floor with her new baby.”  Obviously Mrs Jones had a “thang goin’ on – do dee – doo da – wah, wah, wah, wah…”  Mrs Jones did not give virgin birth, or if she did, no one believed her, because it didn’t happen over two thousand years ago — which obviously lends credence to any hand-me-down story of illegitimacy.  I’m talkin’ to YOU Bristol Palin…

Sex is also the sub-agenda of all Republican presidential candidates and debates.  Well, that and money — but the combination of those two topics is a subject for another day.  And a taudry one indeed.  Rick Santorum thinks everyone else’s sex is tawdry – not knowing the origin of the word “taudry” comes from Saint Audrey’s lace which was less than regular -variegated and uneven — variety being the spice of life.  Bullshit.  Sex is the spice of life, with whom and however you choose to perform it — preferably with a willing accomplice and it’s no one else’s business.  So Santorum can shut the fuck-up and sit down.  Preferably on something cylindrical.  He has nothing to offer.


Ron Paul.  We suspect he had sex although it might have been by result of him swimming over the eggs which were laid by the female of his species – which is how the ‘Aqua-Buddha came to be born.  But let’s not dwell on the idea of a Ron Paul’s naughty sexcapade with a humpback…

Mitt Romney’s ancestors — in fact the founders of his ‘faith’ such as cults go — is based on some grifter-cum-sex-maniac named Joe Smith who concocted hallucinations that justified his forming a sex-club where unmarried women could share one man giving HIM the pleasure of a harem while having ‘No Spinster Left Behind.’  It was a very successful program in it’s day…  Mitt’s own great grandfather fled the United States with a bench-warrent snappin’ at his rear so he could retain the sexual variety of having a harem.  And to each of his wives he did sayeth unto them “I hate to leave thee behind, but I’ll shall miss the front of ‘ye too.”  And so it came to pass that Grand-pappy Romney fled south of the border so Mormonism could take root in Mexico, and Grand-pappy could continue enjoying the ‘company’ of a variety of women at his beck and call.

Pay attention here – this is about SEX, not faith.

For Newt Gingrich, love is a two-way street on which he has consistently and repeatedly been double-parked.  Point of fact he’s abandoned a junker or two and left with a different and newer model — legally accomplishing what the Romney’s could only dream of — but instead a harem, Newt chose serial-monogamy and the “redemption” of the Catholic Church.  The same church where “celibate” clergymen give marital advise while denying themselves the pleasures of the flesh because they’re all “married” to God — unless there’s a wide-eyed choir boy willing to bend-over to pick-up a quarter.


The unspoken history of the world is the history of sex and sexuality  – well that, money and war — but back to sex.  How else did we find ourselves stranded on a planet with an unsustainable SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE crying out for food and water?  Because NO ONE talks about sex without ever really talking about anything else.  Just exactly HOW did you think Mrs Jones wound-up mopping that floor with her new baby, were it not for a penis entering her vagina?  Did she steal the baby?  In which case it was someone else’s penis and vagina.  Whadda think’s been going on for all these accumulated centuries?  Are we under the impression the planet has been populated by turkey-baster babies?

The planet’s most pressing problems are ALL related to over-population — which is code for unprotected recreational sex.  Blithering imbeciles rant and rail about the evils of contraception, condoms, morning after pills and abstinence which makes the dick grow harder – but what are we really discussing?  WE’RE TALKING ABOUT SEX.  (Without ever discussing it…)

Do I believe in the virgin birth?  You bet I do.  I know any number of lesbians who have never seen a penis up-close and personal — but have delivered a baby all the same.  Prudes think it’s sinful for gay women to have babies – but what the fuck?  They did it without having sex.  Doesn’t that disqualify them AND their children from possessing the original sin of conception?  Oh for Christ’s chaste sake, I’m signing off.  The world is hopeless.  Everyone go get laid so long as the sight of Newt Gingrich in a cut-away bathing suit hasn’t put you off your game.  Have sex safely.  There are too many of us – especially Republicans.  World without happy-ending.  Amen.

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