It seemed only natural after Duck’s stunning South Carolina defeat to Satan’s personal representative on earth, Newt Gingrich, that she and Winnie should lick their wounds and reconsider a new strategy for the Florida primary debate. And what better way to reconnoiter than by dropping-in on the kingmaker himself, ‘Clams Casino’ a.k.a THE Donald – and pay their respects in hopes of getting cash without enduring an endorsement. “We don’t actually want to be seen associating with Mr Trump” said Winifred P. Jumplingbean – “we only want him to write a huge check and eat our pizza in private.”
It’s been an open secret for quite some time, that should Duck D. Duck get the GOP nod, her first choice of running-mate would be a clam in a toupee — any clam — and who better to fit that description than THE Donald himself. It’s a little known fact that there are many Donald Trumps – but only one comb-over. The clam beneath the mysterious comb-over toupee matters not a whit, as one clam is pretty much the same as another. The secret behind the power of the Trump empire is held within the toupee itself. It has hath been propheticized that “whatever clam will wear the Toupee of Trumpdumb, so shall he be like a mighty kingmaker and media star.” Securing the hairpiece is akin to possessing the Arc of the Covenant, the Holy Chalice, the Sword in the Stone, and the Blarney Stone all wrapped-up within with the Shroud of Turin. Once Duck possesses the precious hair-weave she will use it like catnip to hypnotize the Floridian evangelical voting block(heads.)
The toupee has been handed down for generations from mollusc to mollusc — gathering braincells from each along the way, only to blossom into the master-mollusc familiar to American television audiences as: THE Donald. THIS, IS the secret of the Trump Empire. Duck, in order to seize the Republican nomination needs to secure the Toupee of Trumpdumb and place it onto the head of a clam she has brainwashed to do her bidding. (And just exactly WHAT might the head of a clam BE, I hear you ask?) Why it’s as much the top as it is the bottom of any clam — so it really doesn’t matter. One clam is as talented as the next – and one side is virtually the same as the top or the bottom. Securing the weave should be easy, since clams don’t have appendages, it should easy enough to over-power THE Donald and slip him a rufie — allowing Winnie and Duck to switch clams out from under THE Toupee. Whatever clam selected to wear THE Toupee will undoubtedly sign-over all of Trump’s off-shore casino bank accounts to be spent at the discretion of the Long Island Ice Tea SuperPAC. If a Newt can have shady casino-backing, so can Duck D. Duck. Clams are available by the bushel, which is convenient since Duck finds them irresistible with or without tartar-sauce or drawn-butter. Any clam can do a convincing impersonation of Donald Trump, so success is all but assured.
Winnie and Duck have a lot of work to do before this evening’s debate in Tampa. Duck’s new battle-cry will address the beleaguered jobs market. Bearing in mind how gracefully the baby-boomers are aging — and for that matter living longer — Duck intends to introduce a plan that would raise the mandatory retirement-age to 70 while encouraging employers who have not already pink-slipped employees and shipped their jobs overseas to either do so — or find flimsy excuses to terminate anyone over 50. This should exponentially accelerate the aging process of anyone claiming to be the NEW 40 while clocking-in at a decade or so past their shelf-life ‘sell-by’ date. This will in turn lead to increased expiration’s of any and all workers who previously considered themselves as having something left to offer. Sudden terminal coronary-arrest is encouraged because it creates the least amount of undue financial strain on the already financially burdened cash-cow known as the ‘for-profit health insurance industry.’ Younger voters who won’t be paying attention (and never do any way) won’t think this applies to them as all young people think they’ll be young forever.
The job of telling seasoned professional workers they’re “FIRED” will be assigned exclusively to the Vice President Clam in Chief for the pure joy of denying Mitt Romney the pleasure of his personally firing anyone — which is widely reported as being his one and only hobby aside from strapping Irish Setters to the roof of the family car and going for long drives on parched summer days.