WinnieToons Annual Easter Interview With Christ

Winnie and Duck, as members in good standing of the Animal Kingdom have powers we humans don’t possess. Animals know when a tsunami is coming and head for higher ground—while we “higher life forms” run down to the beach to check-out the low tide. Animals see fascinating invisible things floating through the air—and they even know when we’re coming home two hours before we walk in the door. So with this all-knowing, all-seeing power, Winnie and Duck will conduct their annual Easter interview with Christ.

Duck Jesus2WinnieToons: “We want to welcome back the Prince of Peace. It’s been a year since our last confession—(ahem)—I mean Interview. We have a couple of issues we’d like to clear up if you don’t mind. What do you prefer to be called? Jesus? Lord? Your Holiness? Prince of Peace…?”

Jesus: “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Peace” is too cumbersome. Just call me Jeez.”

WinnieToons: “Ok Jeez. How is it being the son of God, God of man, begotten and not made being of one substance with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost?”

Duck-Moroni1-150x150Jesus: “I didn’t make up any of that doubletalk. Other people did that. I never set out to be worshiped—but I’ll tell you this—that whole human religious experiment sure went awry. I was trying to tell the world that everyone was interconnected by using myself as an example, not that I was GOD. If you define God as the whole natural world-sphere that surrounds you, then you’re part of that world-sphere and have a responsibility to serve as an accountable steward of your environment. It’s up to the human race to look after the world they live in, and to respect it and care for their fellow man and all the creatures that inhabit the earth. Like I said, it’s not that I’m God or anyone else is. Oy vey, it’s only common sense. People need to take responsibility for themselves and share this earth without giving into avarice and greed.”

WinnieToons: “Deep. Very deep. But does that mean there’s no God or Satan per se?”

Jesus: “You’ll have to wait and find out the answer to that question on your own when your time comes. But like I told you—you’re an integral part of the world and the life that surrounds you. If people choose to divide life into that which is good and that which is bad, then humans are part and parcel of both constructs, and therefore have the free will to choose on which side of the path they decide to walk.”

Wayne-LaPierre-the-French-gun-nut-e13563719306211-150x150WinnieToons: “Can you at least give us a definition of Satan?”

Jesus: “Yes, Satan is a gun.”

WinnieToons: “Can you be more specific?”

Jesus: “The minute a mortal human holds a gun, he has Satan in his hands. Guns and weapons and the people who produce, promote and use all weapons against their fellow man are in direct violation of all that is good and decent. Nothing good ever came out of a gun. Firearms create a false sense of God-like power akin to climbing behind the wheel of a Corvette while intoxicated.”

WinnieToons: “So can we take that as an endorsement of gun control?”

EasterBunnyDog-150x150Jesus: “Yes, of course you can. I would never have carried a gun while I walked the earth nor would I have recommended others to do so. After all, they do call me the Prince of Peace. Just look at the catastrophes at schools and military based, movie theaters and shopping malls. Guns are inconsistent with peace and sanity.”

WinnieToons: “How do you explain why so many self-proclaimed Christians cling desperately to their guns?”

Jesus: “I’m Jewish, so I can’t speak for those Christian people, especially the people who fail to grasp my message of peace and inclusion and attempt to convolute My word to suit their own paranoia. I suppose they’re insecure and probably watch too much propaganda on FOX News. My yoga master, Mahatma Gandhi is always giving me a hard time about this whole religious thing that sprang up in my name after I was crucified. Mahatma teaches a hot yoga class I take twice a week. He’s always rubbing it in, saying ‘I like you, Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike you, Christ.’ Peaceful man, but quite the prankster. That said, he does a mean ‘down-dog.’”

WinnieToons: “Can you give us your position on homosexuality?”

Underwater view of the ruins of a statue of Christ submerged in Italy after engineers created a man made lake. We never leave well enough alone.

Jesus: “Missionary. Hehe. Nah, just pullin’ your leg with a little religious humor there. Gay or straight is a non-issue. Take a look at me, I had two fathers, and I turned out just fine. If two people love one another, that has no impact on two other people who love each other, gender, and gender orientation notwithstanding. To each his own. You gotta keep in mind that human men wrote the bible and revised it and translated it over and over again through the centuries to suit their own ends. An awful lot of that gobbledegook defies logic. For example: Leviticus condemns a person for eating shellfish and commands you to slaughter your next door neighbor if he roasts a lamb on the Sabbath. Now I don’t roast_leg_of_lamb-jpg-150x150wanna get the animal rights people all railed-up (’cause you know those people are crazy) but you can’t go executing folks just because they decide to cook a Sunday supper. It doesn’t make any sense. Neither does sticking your nose into what other consenting adults do behind closed doors with their own private love lives. Hear me clearly, I never wrote down a word of the Gospel. People just quoted me willy-nilly however they liked, so I had no part in drafting the new testament. That said, there is absolutely NO mention of condemning homosexuality in the Bible Part Two. Part One is a lot angrier and more contradictory. Pay less attention to so called ‘holy books’ and listen more to your own conscience—your own inner Jiminy Cricket will never lead you astray. Do what feels right for you and leave other people to live in peace.”

WinnieToons: “We were wondering about your take is on immigration?”

DuckJesus2 copyJesus: “Geographic boundaries are arbitrary lines drawn in the sand which have no bearing on how humans should treat their fellow man. If a person from a foreign land is living or visiting in your country and they are hungry, feed them. And if that foreign stranger becomes ill have your physicians treat him. If you don’t, then you run the risk of others becoming sick. Disease knows no boundaries nor does prejudice and hatred. Likewise, love knows no boundaries either. So treat all people the same as you would treat your own loved ones. As was previously mentioned, we’re all interconnected. It’s a good idea to respect people from different and diverse backgrounds because it makes for a healthier nation and a happier world. Otherwise you find yourself with a whole country full of white MicheleDuckmann-150x150Anglo-Saxon Protestants as inbred as Brittany Spaniels—you can’t even house-break them. Take Michele Bachmann for example: Need I say more?”

WinnieToons: “Would we be right in assuming you approve of the races mingling?”

Jesus: “Damned straight. Just take a look at how Beyonce turned out—not bad at all—AND she can sing and dance too. The closer the world gets to the color beige, the more human beings will understand each other. The human race isn’t supposed to be like the Westminster Dog Show—mix it up already and get those gene pools intertwined. Seriously now, no one wants to end up like Michele Bachmann?”

WinnieToons: “One last question before we let you carry on about your business weeping over the sorrowful state of the human race and their pitiful misinterpretation of your message: What do you think of laws that allow for capital punishment?”

Jesus: “Not much.”

And with an impressive but humble flourish, the Son of God went to yoga class. Happy Easter everyone, regardless what believe or what you celebrate—any reason at all is a good enough reason to celebrate: Even getting back up and brushing yourself off after a nasty, painful crucifixion.

– Disassociated Press, 4/20/2014 – reposted from 3/31/2013

8 thoughts on “WinnieToons Annual Easter Interview With Christ

  1. Excuse me for saying..I live in Stockton Calif. I have been robbed twice and stabbed once….am 55. A rapist stalked my sister in Sacramento…got her a used 12 ga.shotgun. I am a law abiding firefighter for 35 years..and am applying for a CCW. YOUR views on gun owners is your view..the real Satan is the rapist thugs out there .

  2. Q. Why is not the Brady bunch and Mom’s demand hobbies…not screaming about the kid who cut up his classmates with two knives ..where is the call to out law ‘assault knives ‘ ?

  3. Just asking..sir, have you ever had a gun to your head for your wallet? Have you been stabbed by a handful of 12 and 13 y.o. thugs on your way to the store…belive me I wished then I had a means of self-defense …the Utopian Ideal is Kumbaya..but get real thugs don’t obey the laws we have now.

    • I have been the victim of a high profile crime. And I have been robbed. I still don’t want a gun. But I don’t dispute the rights of others to carry—I merely chose not to participate in perpetuating the myth that carrying a gun is a good or useful thing to do. The balance is out of whack where the subject of gun rights are concerned. As we’ve seen in places like Fort Hood—the answer to a bad person with a gun isn’t necessarily the presence of a good person with a gun. Statistically speaking the number of suicides and violent crimes involving guns dramatically outweighs the documented incidents where a gun has prevented a violent crime.

    • Thomas Allen – Yes, I have had a gun to my head, to rob the pizza joint I’ve worked at. I’ve been shot at.
      I’ve been beaten by classmates till my arm was broken, and I needed stitches to my scalp.
      In sort, I know violence.
      As long as we, as Americans, accept guns being in our streets, and DON’T take steps to stop it, this will CONTINUE to get worse. Saying the guns are there so we can’t do anything is moronic at best, because it sets up a system to ensure that gun manufacturers pump MORE AND MORE guns into our streets.
      By buying your sister that used .12 gauge shotgun, you have INCREASED her chances of getting shot by 50%, most likely with her own weapon. That is a statistical fact. And, since you’ve chosen such a powerful weapon to saddle her with, the odds are that it will be a messy, painful death. large bore shotguns DON’T leave survivors. God forbid you ever “care enough” for me to want to give me defense. I don’t think my risk levels can take being raised that far.

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