Finally, the secret of the Virgin Birth has been revealed at Creationism Park. According to park officials, secret papers and DNA samples were discovered in the basement of the Vatican confirming long held suspicions that Creationism is true. It all came to light after a Komodo dragon named Flora, living in the London Zoo laid 25 eggs without her having access to a male mate. Five of the 25 eggs hatched, thus giving birth to five little Komodo dragons named Jesus’ One through Five. The secret Vatican papers made reference to the Virgin Mary being from a bloodline that commingled with dinosaurs during the Triassic period, 230 million years ago. After scientists examined a sacred reliquary containing tears from the Blessed Virgin, it was confirmed that the Virgin Mary did indeed have dinosaur DNA, and was without dispute of reptilian ancestry.
Dinosaurs are a reoccurring theme in both the old and new testaments in spite of there being no actual written reference to them whatsoever in any existing text. Park official, Daryls Charwin explained that “those particular scrolls were not among the ones found at the Dead Sea, but we have every confidence that additional sacred writings will eventually surface. Until then we do as we always have, and take it on faith, endeavoring to make it all up as we go along.”
With the multiple births of Komodo Jesus’ One through Five, park palaeontologist and part time priest, Daryls Charwin explained that “the second coming of Christ has taken place at the London Zoo, and our long awaited raptor-rapture is finally upon us.” He went on to say, “there are now five contemporary little Komodo messiahs who can spit a toxic poison saliva up to twenty-five feet at both believers and non-believers alike. Our hearts are filled with joy.”
All of the Christmas Nativity displays at Creationism Park have been updated to reflect these new scientific findings and their subsequent theological revelations. The entire Creationist Christian community is very excited about the arrival of the new Komodo Messiahs, as they will undoubted provide a powerful new weapon against the imaginary war on Christmas. There will be no more of this ambiguous, all-embracing “Happy Holidays” stuff or a giant lizard will spit in your eye and eat you alive, just like Christ would have commanded.
Creationist “intellectuals” have opened several Creationism Museums across the country and courageously stand by their beliefs without the customary embarrassment normally associated with blowing ideas out your ass and palming them off as factoids. “We try never to allow scientific principles to impede our mission.” said Reverend Charwin, “Facts and research done by the mainstream scientific community offer little assistance in our quest to find truth in fabrication.” Anyone who sees the giant vacu-formed plastic dinosaurs and plaster mannequins together in the Creationism displays will be hard pressed not to agree. As holiday visitors first approach the Noah’s Ark display, everyone is struck by the accuracy and authenticity of seeing what is either a brontosaurus or the Loch Ness Monster greeting visitors from atop of the re-creation of Noah’s legendary vessel.
Now that the definitive link between the human and reptilian origins of Christianity have been established, the faithful worldwide are crying out to commingle with their reptilian brothers and sisters. The challenge in mating with the dragons boils down to the pitfalls of how the dragons spit a toxic saliva which paralyzes their mates (or victims depending on your attitude). Some human and Komodo cross-breeding can result in one mate feasting on the remains of the other, but no marriage is ever perfect. All efforts to recreate virgin births in specimens of entirely human ancestry have been attempted only by teenage Catholic school girls who wear too much make-up and hemlines well above the knee. According to Daryls Charwin, most human experiments in birthing the virgin way have resulted in “very happy” shotgun marriages that aren’t appreciably different from being consumed by a Komodo dragon.
– Disassociated Press, 12/9/2013
See below fior National Geographic’s story on the Komodo Dragon virgin births at the London Zoo.