Winnie & Duck Explain Football

I posted the following comment on Facebook last night before the Superbowl game: “I’m going to pretend I’m masculine tonight and go to a Superbowl party. I’m bringing a baguette and gourmet dips. I might be the only gay guest. I hope no one notices. I don’t understand football. I’ll watch the commercials and halftime activities. To me, watching football is like watching white blood cells eat red blood cells under a microscope. Then the winning cells all get concussions and go home and murder their wives. At least that’s how I think the game works. I certainly hope there’s locker-room interview.”

Traditional NFL quarterback armpit sniffing. Someone’s gotta do it.

Last night was the first time I realized that the most compelling part about football is when “all the single ladies” get to prance about on stage and blowout the New Orleans power-grid, including that on the gridiron. My baguette and gourmet dips were a sensation, but I was a little disappointed in the commercials.

I’m told the highlight of the game was a very long run from one end-zone to the other. I was impressed with all that talk of end zones, tight ends, wide receivers and straight dudes hugging and belly butting. I still think the game is too violent, but I’m a self avowed Nancy-man. In my opinion, the highlight of the evening was every single close up of Baltimore Raven’s quarterback and MVP, Joe Flacco. That dude is totally hot. I will buy any product he endorses just so long as his picture is on the packaging. If his shirt is off I’ll take two of each. Still, the game eludes me, and I fell asleep before locker room interview, if in fact there was one other than the one that visited me in my dreams. I continue to maintain the game would be more interesting played in the nude. The boys might be more careful with each other, or maybe not. It works for me either way.

– Dissociated Press, 2/4/2012

And now for some shameless self promotion: I have my first book coming out in spring, An Early Work Late in Life. In the meantime, I’m trying to get people to visit my arts funding page to help me defray the costs of self-publishing. Watch the one minute video here:


6 thoughts on “Winnie & Duck Explain Football

  1. my favorite quote about football was uttered by robert downey jr.’s character in _back to school_ when explaining his anti-pep rally: “Violent ground acquisition games such as football are in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.”

  2. Football, like most sports, is a modern “acceptable” outlet for the caveman fight for dominance instinct that is the real basis for all our wars. The need for war, or sports is the product of an unevolved spirit.

    • Considering how “unevolved’ Al Qaeda has shown themselves to be, I think that we should invite them out for an old fashioned shooting war. But they have to show up in person, not just bombs by the road that kill more innocent bystanders than soldiers, no crashing planes into businesses, no mailing anthrax bacteria. Battle FIELD being the operative term. Come with their AK-47’s we’ll show up with M-14 carbines. Last team standing wins. I have no patience, sympathy or quarter for terrorists. And that includes the Right Wing Tea-liban we have in America today. They are no less terrorists than Al Qaeda is.

      • I don’t think armed conflict will turn into any kind of fun for anyone. I think we should slip al Queda and the Tea Party a rufie/ecstasy cocktail and drop ‘em all off naked at the “Holy Temple” in Salt Lake City.

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