So It Is Written – So It Shall Be Done

This has been a bad week.  I received a letter notifying me of my home foreclosure, in spite of my having sent copies of ALL my cashed mortgage payments to my lender.  And to add insult to injury, Google AdSense(lessness) has suspended my ability to advertise on my blog on the very same day I pitched AdSense to the BNI (Business Networking International) — How ironic — NO — How typical.

On Monday I posted a blog titled ‘A Bad Night’s Sleep’ marking a week which ended with a letter I’d categorize as a “wrongful foreclosure” notice.

Do I hate corporations?   “You betcha“.

“Don’t be evil” is just a slogan so they can screw us all anyway.  That’s clearly outlined in 4pt type in your contract.  2 months ago I contacted Google asking them for help, because I’m vision impaired.  Almost 2 months later they replied – with nothing useful.

Now that THAT’S off my chest, I’d like to talk about the rest of my early week…

Late on Tuesday morning, 5 lovely middle-aged African-American women in calico dresses and tidily trimmed straw hats came to my front door just as I was opening it to leave.  They gave me a copy of the Watchtower and blessed me.  I’ll take good vibes from whomever is willing to send them my way…

But I’m still a deist. 

I too, was spit-polished and ready for my presentation, not entirely dissimilar to door to door salesmanship for the Lord.   I was going to the Palm Restaurant to plug Goodle Ad Sense(fuck ‘em) – and full of positive energy.  I should know at this age, that positive energy is always a bad sign…

As I walked to the Palm, quietly rehearsing my words to myself, my mind wandered…  Here it is the end of September, and Walgreen’s is holding a sale on Halloween costumes and decorations.  “Buy Shit You Don’t Need While the Inventory Lasts – special sale on items produced by political prisoners in China… Act NOW…!!!”

I HATE Halloween.  It never goes away…

I used to go out on the town for Halloween, and once crafted an elaborate Ramses II costume after I’d made substantial progress at the gym – at a much younger age, of course.  Ancient Egypt had become a “camp” discussion with my circle of friends on Fire Island, as we built the pyramids and sphinx out of sand on a summer’s day a long time ago.  My friend Gary and I patted down the sand pyramids with driftwood while Gary threw his voice, pretending to be Joan Collins (crossed with Vincent Price in ‘The Fly‘) pleading to be let out of the pyramids – mocking Howard Hawk’s camp classic – ‘Land of the Pharaohs’ - “Help me my liege, I’m too young to die…”

Recalling that giggling , youthful day at the beach – later, – when Gary was turning 40 (a WAY LONG time ago) - I carefully crafted a pharaoh costume assuming if it fit me, it would fit Gary.  We were having a 40th birthday dinner party in Gary’s honor.

He was puzzled as to why he was being served pigeon-pie and cuscus on his birthday – but when we blindfolded him, and stripped him-down.  Gary cried out (in the presence of some of his closest friends) “I didn’t’ know it was going to be THAT kind of dinner party”.  Meanwhile I applied his faux-leopard wrap skirt, gilded sandals, Faïence necklace and a crown designating him as the God of both the Upper and Lower Niles - (all done with hot glue and art supplies).  As I handed him his crook and flail, Gary called out – “YOU’VE got the FILM…” – when his blindfold was removed, his lover, Don was dressed as an Egyptian slave (leaving very little to the imagination) and all the dinner guests were wearing royal Egyptian crowns.  Even the dogs (dear departed pooches, Buddy and Dorje) were in Egyptian drag as well.

Gary couldn’t believe we’d found a video of ‘Land of the Pharaohs’.  We held a screening party after dinner and watched the movie in Egyptian drag.

Remember video tapes…?

But I digress — back while I was originally crafting these costumes just described — my late friend, Brian called me to go “antiquing” with him through the waft of spectacular old junk stores Philadelphia used to have decades ago.

I said to Brian, “come to my house at noon sharp. Just let yourself in.  The front door will be open.”

I had just completed Gary’s costume, and I wanted to show it off.   So there I sat at noon, all dolled-up like Ramses II with Li’l Buddy by my side patiently wearing his bejeweled canine Egyptian choker.  I’d even made an Egyptian throne and sat still as death, waiting for Brian to arrive.

…and waiting for Brian to arrive…

…and waiting a bit longer for Brian to arrive…

…then we waited a while more…

…I may have napped, while Buddy was at his food bowl…

…but I didn’t want anything to spoil the effect of ME decked-out with Liz Taylor eyes and a fully gold-leafed face as the ‘’Screaming-Queen of Egypt”.  I urged Buddy to take his place at my side as the god Anubis, but he was bored with the role, and went under the sofa when suddenly there came a knock at the front door.  Regally I decried “Enter my humble slave…”

Whereupon the Jehovah Witnesses entered my living room pushing a young child toward me.  Everyone was stunned.  NOTHING was going according to plan – they snapped the child up in their arms and ran out muttering something aloud about the Anti-Christ.

When Brian finally arrived, I was limp with exhaustion from laughter, and my makeup was running like Joan Rivers being presented with an unlikely Oscar.

It took 20 years for the Jehovah Witness to return to my neighborhood this past Tuesday — as I was on my way to promote Google AsSense(lessness).  Word of the Queen Demon must have faded into legend.  That’s what happens over time.  You get covered with sand.

9 thoughts on “So It Is Written – So It Shall Be Done

  1. Thanks for the good laugh, brother. I needed that today. But the laugh wasn't as intense or long-lasting as when I read your masterpiece, "Lunch With Betty at the Caribou Cafe." And then there is your hilarious "Belgians Are Not Easily Waffled." You are the most talented person I've ever known. And to think I picked on you when we were young, dear little brother. How rude of me. Sorry. I thought that's what big brothers are supposed to do.

  2. I have to agree with brother Bob, you are the wittiest,most intelligent & interesting person I've ever known. Both Gaz and I are lucky to know you. As for the foreclosure, your lawyer has to be able to sue for pain and suffering since you have all the payment evidence. I know you'll enjoy that.

  3. I was just told yesterday about a case in New York where the mortgage lender was so obnoxious, the judge ordered the house given to the defendants and the mortgage lender fined for the full value of the house. Dream on – but I'm glad it happened for someone.

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