Duck Reported to be at the Center of the Cartagena, Colombian Secret Service Sex Scandal

President Obama’s international advance security detail was caught with their pants down the other day with 21 prostitutes and counting…  Before you go off on Obama, no, he wasn’t there.  Nor is he implicated by the actions of those Secret Service Agents & Secret Service Uniformed Officers, along with (allegedly) some U.S. Military men sent ahead to ‘sweep’ the presidents accommodations prior to his arrival…  But voilà, there’s a sex scandal playing itself out and a hooker who claims not to have been paid for services rendered.  What is this world coming to?  Free-trade commerce at it’s most historic foundations ripped-off by a branch of the United States government…?!!!  Is there no sense of honor or tradition left in this world?

Why is everyone ALWAYS so shocked to find-out that men are involved in sex scandals?  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret if you haven’t already figured it out: The male body is a sperm factory.  Sorry if that offends anyone’s delicate sensibilities, but that is and always has been the primary (or should I say ‘primal?’) thing on the minds of most all men — release of the aforementioned substance.

At all times or whenever possible…

The male seminal fluids build-up creates a condition widely known as “horny.”  Some men are able to simply ”take matters in hand’ and be done with it, but that doesn’t always quite ‘hit the spot.’   Send a whole team of men to a place like Cartagena, Columbia, one of the world’s sex capitals – (in other words, a typical South American Catholic country where prostitution is legal) — and what the devil do you think is going to happen…?  At the risk of being a turncoat to my own sex, it has always amazed me how the handling of the world’s most pressing problems have historically been left to the ‘sticky-palms’ of the male sex.  I’m older now, and able to concentrate on things other than sex for longer periods of time — that is when I can remember what floor I’m on…  But when I was a young man sitting-in on staff meetings while working in retail, you don’t want to know where my mind was wandering…  I’d have to go home for lunch in order to concentrate during my afternoon return or I’d never have made a single one of my deadlines.  None of this is fresh news.  There are more examples than anyone can cite:

  • We watched congress try to crucify Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky cigar scandal only to witness a massive exodus in the House of Representatives (including Newt Gingrich) when it came to light that ALL of them had mistresses.

  • Well, except for the ones who were secretly gay — they, on the other hand did not have mistresses.  Those gentlemen merely carry shopping bags that fit a pair of size 12 shoes and can unfold nicely inside an airport lavatory stall so gentleman-callers can stand in the bags and be serviced.

  • Unless we as a nation are willing to pass a law allowing the castration of all our public officials and CIA security agents — then MEN will be MEN.  But what would we have left?  The castrati chorus section of the Vienna Boys Choir protecting our Commander in Chief…?  I can just hear all those squeaky little, high-pitched voices repeating orders over walkie-talkies making sounds only dogs can hear from ten miles away.

(Just curious, do walkie-talkies still exist, or have they gone the way of the Dick Tracy two-way wrist radio…?  But I’ve gotten off track…)

  • Former RNC Chairman Michael Steele had to tap-dance through an excuse for WHY the Republican Party was picking-up a tab for taking a Republican Youth Convention to a lesbian bondage-bar complete with an eye-popping floor show and a stupefying bar-tab plus round-trip airfare…

  • One of the reasons the Deepwater Horizon oil spill happened, is because the Bush Administration appointed crystal-meth addicted sex-maniacs to monitor safety regulations…

  • Wall Street had a calamitous sell-off of Proctor & Gamble stock a few years back because government watch-dogs turned-out to be horn-dogs watching porn instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing…

  • I can no longer dwell on this topic, or I will have to touch myself and at my tender age that’s so frequently disappointing, I can’t face it one more time…

Women, get your act together and take-over the world.  Men aren’t (ahem) ‘UP’ to the task.  Oh cripes, I almost forgot.  Women are nearly as bad as men, only a wee-tad more responsible.  The human race is populated by fools.

We’re doomed.

- Dissociated Press, 4/18/2012

8 thoughts on “Duck Reported to be at the Center of the Cartagena, Colombian Secret Service Sex Scandal

  1. I plead (and drink) the fifth on this whole topic, being too close to it.

    The only helpful content I can add is, yes, walkie talkies do still exist. For the DICK Tracy obsessed:

    I tried to find an image of lewd (penis or boob or pussy shaped) walkie talkies to fit the topic, and oddly, that is a market niche that has been missed. Who knew? You’d think with how well “sex sells” that’d be a hot seller!

  2. lesson learned, cia. if you’re going to enjoy the services of this duck, you’d better leave that cash on the nightstand.

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