The Rise of the Republican Political Vixen

Winnie has a play date with an alpha-female – it didn’t go well for her.

Almost anything can go wrong, including the women’s movement.  And I’ve held-out so much hope for them.  I’ve witnessed a lot of things change over the years, not the least of which has been the women’s movement.  Women can’t have it both ways and still remain a lady.  And republican women are spittin’ tobaccie on the fluur telling’ everyone else to “man-up”.  (Picture a high school production of‘Annie Git Yer Gun‘.)  But we’re talking more Eve Harington here.  The hard-centered ambitious girl with a deceiving exterior.

Beanie is the bomb.

I’ve seen ‘All About Eve“.  Repeatedly.  It’s a field-guide for survival.  Read the play or rent the film if you haven’t already. 

A new creature was born of the McCain/Palin ticket, the very buoyant, driven/vixen shipwreck-in-the-spotlight.  The PalinAntiLogical political representative of the Lawrence Welk Party.  Palin was the original female George Bush, but other contenders forged themselves in the image of Cap’t ‘Wrong-Way’ Palin becoming creating her own frightening Halloween ‘Pageant of Protégées’.

There was a great media opportunity missed this electoral season.  The ‘Babes of the GOP Pageant’.   We, the televiewing public were denied the republican/Tea Party swimsuit competition.

I think all female republican candidates should compete in both swimsuit and evening gown categories.

We’ll forego the talent.

The men should compete in them as well.

Imagine a swimsuit challenge between Harry Reed and Sue Angle…

“Televised live from Caesar’s Palace grand ballroom in Las Vegas, (musical accent with drum roll) It’s the Swimsuit & Evening Gown Competition of the Nevada Senatorial Debates…!!!”

Harry Reed would have it all over Sharron Angle.  She already looks like a garbage bag full of cottage cheese.  Put out my eyes…

But just think of the ratings…  All the betting going on in Vegas.  Wall street could televise the thing and sell futures based on late night rerun revenues.  Sounds like a solid financial product.  I can see the nationally advertised promotional campaign in lights – right before my very eyes:

“ANGEL vs. REED” Swimsuit and Evening Gown Knockout Showdown (with a light peppering of questions from our hand-picked celebrity panel – grilling both hopefuls with pressing questions about their vision of how we can best achieve world peace.)

Maybe we should put the talent competition back in.  Harry Reid could do a high wire act while Sharron Angle mud-wrestles with her own image in front of a mirror.   Hard questions from the press only

…with carnival lighting of course.

Who would you vote for?  The choices are pretty grim – but Harry Reid still remains the only grown-up in that race.


Grandma Betty’s classic threat.  When she connected, it stung.

Lets move along with our Republican Beauty Pageant “behind-the scenes” look at the contestant from Delaware:

Christine O‘Donnell is the candidate to most likely to re-emerge from her campaign humiliation, as the Brenda Vaccaro of politics.  She’ll put in an appearance wherever they’ll have her.  She’ll eventually get a raspy voice, and circum to an actual sex-scandal printed in the shopping rags.  But more importantly, she would be VERY disappointing in a swimsuit.

My hunch is she‘s ‘large in the can with piano legs’.

Picture if you will, Miss California, Meg Whitman in a swimsuit… (blind yet?)  She’d be well advised to scan Esther Williams SwimsuitsPlus catalog for dark colors with a skirt.  Don’t go too sleek, draw attention from your tight-end/wide-receiver build by accenting your face with a floral bathing cap.  Maybe thicker lashes.  Think Peggy Lee.  The floral bathing cap would bring the added focus of lending Meg the illusion of having hair.

Miss Minnesota, Michelle Bachman could go directly from evening gown to swimsuit in a rehearsed skit, renting at her garments until the skirt is torn away down to her bathing-suit revealing a somewhat stew-bird-like sinew.

How unappetizing.

I can not picture Carly Fiorina looking either all that bad or all that good in a bathing suit.  That said, personally having had a bad run of problem-products made by Hewlett Packard during her managerial matriarchy there, I can testify, she ruined the company.  I’ve sworn off HP products.  Enough of them both.

Jan Brewer, our contestant from Arizona has chosen that rather than doing either swimsuit or talent competitions alone, she is going to combine both disciplines into an offering of performance art.  I picture her impersonating some ancient pre-Colombian mummy found on the side of a cliff somewhere, but wearing a ratty blond wig badly in need of conditioner.  Her mouth dried open with brain-freeze and lips like hardtack peeling back around her gums.  Headless, of course, she turns, and crumbles into dust.  Applause.

Connecticut’s Linda McMahon had better look good in her bathing suit.  Or at least tell her she does.  The woman has people on-staff who can rough you up.  Best not to dwell on it.

The original cracked mold, and “star” FOX herself, Sarah Palin probably looks the best of them all in a bathing suit.  She’s kept herself in shape and she‘s had adequate runway practice modeling them.  None of her experience however, makes her intellectually qualified for responsible public office of any sort or definition — what-so-ever.

Enter the year of reverse chauvinism.

Each and every one of  these women want all their male opponents to ‘man-up’.  “Get it up” fellas !!!  That’s what republican woman pine for.  They want to rouse the passions of their sexually-suppressed ‘Casper Milktoast’ democratic male opponents. 

Man-up and maybe they’ll all go away?

Just picture any male politician telling a woman to “grow a pair”.  That candidate would have his eyes pecked-out for an eternity.  That said, I’d love to see Harry Reid really sock it to Sharron Angle on election night.  Heart-shaped bed at the Mirage.  Harry in lingerie, Angle in a laced-up leather truss.  Now there’s a ‘Pay PerView’ adult entertainment experience waiting for you.

Well, I’ve done it.  I’ve verbally, sexually ‘redressed’ every single female republican candidate who comes immediately to mind – (with a guest appearance by Harry Reid) – based on sexual bias and stereotypes.

Your employer is obligated to give you time to exercise your right to vote.

Nah, nah, nannie, nah, nah I’m a queer, so therefore viewed as lower on the sociopolitical food chain.  As a suppressed minority, I can say whatever I please.  Just ask me.

5 thoughts on “The Rise of the Republican Political Vixen

  1. As an "out of the broom closet" witch I too am a suppressed minority (course, being english speaking white made me that when I lived in AZ so,,,) SO I can say anything too. Chris McDonald WOULD look OK in a bathign suit IF she can keep her mouth shut. Palin, MAYBE OK but same proviso. Hell, most are so over the hill if they show up in public in a bathing suit it better be those black and white whole-body coverings with skirts popular about the time the Titanic sank (back when Harry Reid was a fresh-faced high schooler,,,,,,) Goddess can we PLEASE throw the whole damn lot out and start over? Where the hell is the rum?

  2. Referenced by Jon Stewart in the Rally for sanity: "The Corbomite Maneuver" is a first season episode of Star Trek: The Original Series, first aired November 10, 1966, and repeated May 11, 1967. It is episode #10, production #3, the first regular episode of Star Trek produced after the two pilots, although it was aired later in the season. It was written by Jerry Sohl, directed by Joseph Sargent, and created and produced by Gene Roddenberry.

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