Christmas on an Alternate Universe

For years now I’ve analyzed my gripe with Christmas.  My Christmas is cautioned by previous decades of miracles gone missing.  Sure, there are daily miracles if you want to be relentlessly optimistic – things like sunrises and all that…  Airborne particulates have really made sunrises and sunsets dramatically more vibrant, but that’s not the kind of miracle I’m looking-for.  People aren’t getting along any better due to vivid sunsets or the miracle of acid rain.  Right now House Republicans are praising the Lord while starving-out the masses, and kinda hoping everyone will understand that destroying our collective lives is justifiable merely to make Obama look bad while blaming him for the economy.  And THIS strategy is intended to be their gateway back to the White House?

Last weekend’s previously passed Middle-Income Payroll Tax Cut is dead again with more off and on again posturing – per usual.  By the time I publish this post, the tax cut will most likely have reached a compromise and again deteriorated into chaos and back again.  It’s political theater of the absurd, and we’ve all seen this drama play-out before.  Hopefully the American voting audience will accurately pick-out the villains from the vilified in the latest Capital Hill comedy of errors.

We need a Christmas Miracle, and it’s got to be more than merely the timely passing of Kim Jung Il, and the inevitable downward spiral of Newt Gingrich in the GOP primaries.  It needs to be greater than knowing Dick Cheney has a battery-operated digital heart, and Walt Disney still remains cryogenically frozen.  We need something to make the world sit-up and take notice.
Like what you ask?

An end to reality TV?  

The Kardashians fading into obscurity? 

Gangata-rap being replaced by a return to melody and lyrics?  

No, all that’s way too much to hope for.  What we want for Christmas (or this Holiday Season if you prefer) is for House Republicans to put the interests of the country above materialism and power.  Nah, that’ll never happen either.

Here’s what Winnie and Duck propose for our Winter Solstice miracle:

How about a HUGE digital money transfer?  I’m talking about a transfer of wealth from all the institutions to whom ‘We the People’ have generously bailed-out, divvyed-up and fairly proportioned into — wait — let me do some mathematical calculations here — three-hundred and eleven million people less 1%  — divided into X-number of trillions of dollars — parceled-up evenly — and mysteriously deposited directly into the bank accounts of every poor sucker who ever voted and paid taxes.  Frankly it would do a hell of a lot more to repair the economy than any of the trickle-down economics currently being unemployed by the “Job Creators.”  Sadly my calculator doesn’t’ have room for all the zeroes, so I can’t give you a bottom-line net gain for each citizen.  Anyone willing to do the math is more than welcome to post that figure in the comments section.  

But back to the transfer of wealth to the masses…

Of course the tracking records of this monumental transfer of wealth would become magically untraceable.  AND best of all, since banks, mortgage companies and lending institutions have repeatedly demonstrated over the past decade how they don’t keep anything close to accurate accounting records — ALL of that bailout money would still be due to be paid-back with interest.  Prior payments against the debt would be conveniently lost and therefore added to the outstanding principal.  

It’s kind of like what Wall Street did to the American people, only in a fun-house mirror.  Think of it like spending the holidays on an alternate universe where fairness is the guiding principle – not principal.  Now THAT’s what I call a Christmas miracle.   Dream-on… 

5 thoughts on “Christmas on an Alternate Universe

  1. I did the math, and it doesn't work out as rosy as we'd wish. 99% of 300,000,000 is 297,000,000 people. If you take $14,000,000,000 divided by 297,000,000 you get a whopping $47.18. Processing the paperwork to make it happen would cost more than we'd get paid out. :- Oh well, nice to be able to dream of Congress giving us all vacation homes in the Bahamas.
    But wait, then there is Page 2 of the story:
    According to this, the main bank bailout was 700 billion which would get us all $2,356.90.
    But there is MORE to this YET!
    Other public funds have been propping up the banks for a total pay out to them of $12.8 trillion to rescue the economy.
    That comes to a whopping $43,097.64 NOW we are talking something that would REALLY stimulate the economy. That is a really decent years pay in anyones book. And that is not per household, that is EACH of us! So Beihl, you'd get on the high side of 43 grand for you (sorry, Winnie doesn't count) but I would split with my wife and son $129,292.93. That can be a home, a nice vacation to sunny Florida (both if I play my cards right) or pay off my student loans and have enough to live on for a few months till I can find a really good job. How'd THAT be for economic stimulation?
    Wow, imagine what "Kate Plus 8" would get! Or "Octomom"! You think people are seeing their kids as dollar signs (i.e.: Welfare Queens) just think how it'd be if each kid is worth 43K!

  2. At this point, I'd take the $47 as well.

    I am going on Holiday Hiatus till the caroling, nog and "Christmas sale you JUST CAN'T MISS" is all passed. May the stores all get cholesterol and have a heartless attack (hey, they ARE people, after all, Mitt TOLD us so!)

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