Dick Cheney got a new heart today. Now all he needs is a brain… the courage and to click his heels together and go home. Cheney, who was the former acting president under figurehead, George W. Bush, has undergone a heart transplant reportedly donated by a deceased person who didn’t vote for him, which was granted as a special request by the Cheney family. Dick Cheney, who helped spread death worldwide among both humans and marine-life alike, was hoping his new ‘organ’ would come from fresh kill – preferably a democrat. Currently serving as Satan’s representative here on earth, Cheney is recovering in a Virginia hospital, according to a spokes-slave answering to the Dark Lord of petrol-wars.
Cheney, 71, a Republican who served as acting president while George W Bush moved his lips, has had a long history of not knowing whether or not he had a heart. All indications are he was born without one. Most recently Cheney has been sucking the life out of American taxpayers to the tune of fifteen billion dollars and counting to keep himself alive — exceeding what it would cost to give universal health care coverage to every single decent American currently struggling to afford dental care.
A spokes-creature for Mr Cheney, unfolding his bat wings said the former VP was recovering especially well, especially as other individuals in the ER expired. The former puppet-master was awakened by a bolt of lightening, causing him to belly-laugh with a dark, terrifying baritone voice that frightened the nursing staff and caused everyone else in intensive care to flat-line — further bolstering the vice president’s strength. In a prepared statement the Cheney family denied any knowledge of missing persons who might be also be illegal aliens coincidentally matching Cheney’s own same blood type – (Chemical Formula: S8.)
Cheney, who suffered no less than five heart attacks beginning at age 37, has been kept artificially alive for 37 years in an effort to prove that universal health coverage is not cost effective unless you’re evil enough to deny it to others. Beelzebub, when asked about Cheney’s miraculous recovery, was quoted as saying “I’m not prepared for that level of competition down here at this time — at least not until after the GOP Primary contest is decided” going on to express his demonic disappointment that Newt Gingrich hadn’t done better in the polls. Nosferatu added, “While we’re all looking forward to Dick joining the team, but apparently he has not yet done enough damage to planet earth. We wish him well in his future endeavors.”
- Dissociated Press, 3/24.2012 (a.k.a. – The Year of Mayan Global Destruction)