I reserve the right to be angry. My home state of New Jersey is a place where they’ll elect a homosexual to serve as governor just so long as he’s leading a secret double life and living in the closet. That said, there isn’t a closet big enough to accommodate Chris Christie or a room where they don’t have to blow a hole through the wall and use the jaws of life simply to remove him — and that’s only to accommodate his ego. Hopelessly heterosexual, Governor Chris Christie refused to sign the New Jersey State Gay Marriage Bill into law — even after it passed in the State Senate and Assembly — not because he really cares one way or the other, but rather because the importance of the Gay Marriage Amendment in his eyes isn’t the freedom and equality of a minority group who deserve better — but rather the pursuit of his own self-serving political ambitions while pandering to the lowest common denominator of the right-wing. Christie wants to have the measure placed as a ballot initiative so he can wash his hands of the outcome, whatever those results might be. There’s something inherently wrong with asking the majority to vote on extending rights to a minority. It flies in the face of the very definition of the word “rights.”
Never elect a politician who genuinely wants the job — when you do, his job becomes nothing more that a stepping stone on the road to higher office and corruption. I like to think of crooks like Chris Christie as being “flushed upward with the tide of incompetence.” God knows Christie can both float AND demonstrate incompetence. We’re supposed to be a nation founded on the principal of religious freedom — but religion cuts both ways, and cults of all kinds insist their minions embrace time-honored prejudices and never ever stop to question why. Irrational hate is a ‘given’ that goes hand in hand with unfounded fear. Fears like: Gay is bad. Don’t know why. Just is. Heard it somewhere, so it must be part of the deterioration of society and family values. But heterosexuals clocking 3 or more marriages are merely unlucky in love — and it’s all perfectly legal.
I knew I was gay when I was a little boy by age 6 or 7. Through pure accident I happened across the word “homosexual” in the dictionary, and after reading the definition my face went red-hot with panic because I knew I’d been preordained to become the person my parents and teachers had warned me about and made fun-of. I never checked a box or applied for a permit to be gay. It was never a choice. It simply was — and I’ve known it all my life.
Other kids as they entered the age of sexual awakening openly acted on their attractions — boys and girls held hands in the playground pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I sat out that rite of passage, holding my own hand, and the burden of a gigantic secret buried deep inside me. My secret was abhorrent to the sensibilities of other people and I knew instinctively it had to be hidden-away for my own safety. Eventually through peer pressure, I dated girls, and in doing-so did those girls a disservice by not being who they believed me to be. I’d learned early to control my limp wrists and lower my voice an octave — I even feigned interest in sports but only as a spectator. I was afraid that contact sports with other men’s bodies would blow my cover. I protected myself by becoming fat so I could remove myself from consideration, and act like I had no sexual awakenings — preferring the ridicule of being over-weight to being called a faggot or a queer. Being heavy let me remain unnoticed and unattractive.
No one can live like that forever, or at least no one should.
When I finally dated, I dated nice girls, hoping I’d never be put to the test of performing as a physical lover. Sex, however is unavoidable. I made love to girls and bragged about it to my buddies. Buddies I’d have rather made love with… I didn’t set my emotional/sexual course in motion, desire and sexual preference moves by it’s own volition. For a time you can pretend your sexuality doesn’t exist, or work to suppress your own desires, but not for long.
When I later came-out, I lost 2 gay lovers to early deaths — one to suicide and another to AIDS. I didn’t get the compassion or comfort a widower would receive after loosing a wife. I’ve endured break-ups that were no less devastating than any divorce — but I was expected to move-on — buck-up without lingering over my grief, which naturally prolonged it. I wasn’t allowed to mourn comforted by family because of the social attitudes of the time. Gay emotions still aren’t given the validity or respect they/we deserve. Straight people with multiple divorces are granted far more comfort and support than people like me who only wanted one special person in my life. So far, there’s no sign of him. I once got a fortune cookie that read: “Still no word from that tall dark stranger.” The prophecy remains unfulfilled to this day.
I lived through the 1960’s Gay Liberation years and the age of the Stonewall riots followed by the clumsy sexual revolution during the Woodstock hippie period. I didn’t jump-in feet-first, although I wanted to. I was too shy about myself and hid away often for decades — touching no one — never wanting to feel the pain of a partner’s loss from abandonment or death ever again. Over time I lifted myself up and tried to get in the game again, because life without love is something less than living. When the AIDS epidemic came along, it took my 2nd love. He’d already left me for another man, so I mourned him alone, still in love with him when he died.
In the 1980’s while the epidemic was still misunderstood, primitive thinkers seeking easy answers turned to organized religions who damned my dying friends and passed judgement and blame on people like me. Its impossible to do battle with irrational, primitive attitudes. While I volunteered my help during the AIDS epidemic — the psychological effect of the epidemic itself robbed me from acting on my natural desires at a time that would have been the height of my sexuality. I’ll never allow anyone to tell me my love and lust are not natural, because they came naturally enough to me. Those desires are part of who I am, not who I asked to become. It’s my reality and I embrace it.
I had a brief period of promiscuity late in life in a desperate attempt to feel what everyone else had experienced at a much younger age. Love never much came my way, or stayed for long when it did. I couldn’t let down my guard long enough to be receptive to embracing what every other living person wants and deserves. The path for gay people of my generation (and earlier) hasn’t been easy… So how dare someone like Chris Christie, a bloated, self-important fraud, care more about his worthless political ambitions than the emotional health and well-being of all the people he’s supposed to serve? Christie doesn’t work to understand anyone outside his limited scope of understanding. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders live lives deprived of the liberties and rights pompous fools like Chris Christie take for granted. So climb that ladder to political gain, but don’t gain any more tonnage, or the rungs will snap. Go ahead and deceive yourself into believing your personal self-serving goals are worth more than doing what’s right. Mr Christie, you’re on the wrong side of history, damaging lives which have no adverse impact on your own.
Looking at my life now, it’s too late for me to change, I’m not sure I even want to or know how. I’m hardwired to live alone. I’ve only experienced enough intimacy to have a pretty good idea of what I’ve missed. With that in mind, Mr Christie, don’t you dare think your corpulent fat-headed cowardice, hidden behind a facade of bluster and balls grants you the right to deny other people and future generations the healthy, accepted expression of fully legalized love through marriage guaranteed to every person under our Constitution. You may choose to exclude us, but that doesn’t make you right. Even you, Mr Christie aren’t big enough to stop the inevitable. You’re only a temporary blockage — A spongy impasse… A constipation… An ambitious fool too bloated to get out of his own way. You can’t stop progress. Your own heart will stop first, assuming you have one.