Theater critics across the nation are applauding the GOP’s ground-breaking all-male performance of the Vagina Monologues this past Wednesday in Congress. Dirty, prudish, ignorant old men managed to sexually assault every single woman in the United States of American without ever finding the courage to confront their own inner vagina. These men can’t even say the word out loud while unable to think of anything else. What the hell are a bunch of prudish, sexually repressed old white men doing mandating what women do with their own genitals? Why are we forced to endure the ignorant superstitious opinions of prissy male biddies from the Catholic Church in “congress” with congressional creeps so obsessed with what the opposite sex does with their own bodies they’re breaking-out into a sweat? OK, the priests are breaking a sweat over the straight dudes breaking into a sweat – but the clergy have their own set of unresolved issues… The difference between Congress and ‘sexual congress’ is simple: The latter is a great deal more wholesome even when money changes hands. Now THERE’S something congress knows a little bit about – money changing hands whoring themselves. The right-wing is determined to diminish the Grand Old Party at all costs by proving beyond a shadow of doubt that they have absolutely nothing constructive to offer whatsoever — politically, morally, socially or sexually.
Conservative Republican men need to get the hell out of women’s crotches and face the irrefutable reality that they have no unique rights over — or understanding OF the experience of living within a body born with female plumbing. Ask me, I’m an expert on this lack of knowledge – I’m a man – and I know simply NOTHING about female sexual inner workings. The most inconvenient thing men have to endure is cutting themselves shaving – that’s nothing compared to bleeding from the crotch starting at around age 12. I think we should propose legislation in a public forum that Daryl Issa and his misogynistic panel of penis-pansy’s have government mandated sex-changes with a rusty pair of toenail clippers — unfortunately that would not give them true insight into the unbridled joy of monthly visits from the menstrual monster — menopause — or the myriad of things that can go physically wrong with women’s bodies from difficult pregnancies to cancer risks.
You KNOW in your heart if sexually active men ran the risk of having to pull a watermelon out through that tiny little slit in their urethra, contraception would have been gaveled into becoming the law of the land a century ago. Just imagine the machinations of the Catholic clergy fluttering-away at Our Lady of Consensual Sodomy if choirboys could get pregnant. The good fathers would be handing out condoms at mass instead of hawking stale wafers – chanting “Take. eat, bend-over, lubricate then roll one on in remembrance of me.” (PS – remember to pinch the receptacle tip so the microscopic swim team have somewhere to go after you’ve had your jollies. Then hold a Bayer Aspirin between your ass-cheeks and try not to molest any more adolescent boys. Goddamn lying, ignorant pederasts.)
Men have a unique lack of perspective concerning the subject of female sexuality. They may claim to be good in the sack, but most of them are lying. And male sexual prowess has nothing to do with the important things that matter in life. Men (including me) consider sex to be an urge that leads to a recreational release. THAT in and of itself disqualifies everyone of my sex, straight, gay or bisexual to claim ANY authority over the sexual body decisions which impact the destiny of women. Get over it Rick Santorum. You’re out of your element. Shut the fuck-up every chauvinistic hypocrite to the last man. Recuse yourselves as ignorant – because you ARE. Relinquish your vote on the subject of women’s health and let ONLY women dictate the laws that govern women’s bodies. Men can confine their vote to subjects like vasectomies and whether to make Viagra available to horny old retired congressmen like Bob Dole. Stick to what you know — providing you know anything at all. I say proctology exams for the GOP all around. Get those pristine prostates in ‘mandated’ sparkling good health. Drag ‘em off the floor of congress one at a time and let ‘em know how it feels to have an humiliating mandatory probe in-between your legs against your will.
Post Script: Presidential Boogieman, Rick Santorum, a resident of Virginia applauds the Virginia State Lawmakers recent vote to require trans-vaginal ultrasounds before a woman can get an abortion. Their intention is to extend that intrusion to include further traumatizing women, already bereft from experiencing a miscarriage to insure that they have not actually HAD an abortion – even though abortion is LEGAL in these United State. The effected women residents of Virginia will have NO RIGHTS TO PROTEST OR DECLINE. Those women will be taken into custody by force if necessary and entered between their legs against all protests – because a bunch of moronic Christian men have passed a law making it so. This is nothing short of legalized rape.
Virginia Governor, Bob McDonnell has vowed to sign this madness into law. If that doesn’t scare you then ponder this: Mr. McDonnell is THE current top front runner pick for the Republican Vice Presidency. Whatever happened to the GOP mantra of smaller, less intrusive government? If you haven’t already done so, register to vote NOW. Vote in the 2012 election ladies and enlightened gentlemen – and vote for Barack Obama. The inmates want to run the asylum and make women’s lives no longer their own.
Note: Winnie and Duck are appreciating artwork by ground-breaking 20th century feminist painter, Georgia O’Keeffe’s – It’s her classic ‘Slightly Open Clam Shell,’ ca: 1926. Pastel on white ground pressed board.
Postscript – Several weeks after this essay was posted, thousands of women marched on the Virginia State Capital and managed to get some of the worse aspects of the Virginia contraception law stricken rolled-back – but intend to revisit this same nonsense after the 2012 presidential election. Seven other states including Texas have similar laws under consideration in committee.