It is not politically correct to call anyone a Nazi, but people on both sides of any issue these days are all too willing to do so.  As a member in good standing of the world’s oldest continually persecuted minority I’ve been noticing a shift in the focus of hatred in America today.  It’s become very easy for far-right wing preachers to demonize the LGBT community as a way of expressing their collective hatred of blacks, Jews, Hispanics, Native Americans and immigrants of every stripe.  Gay people have a rainbow flag for a good reason.  We’re of every race, color, creed, ethnicity and national origin.  There is no family or culture where gay children are not born into heterosexual families.  But a boisterous sector of society doesn’t see LGBT people as their sons and daughters, mothers and fathers – they see gay people as the cause of all their problems even though none of the dots connect — much the way Jews were demonized by the Nazis during World War II, largely due to their affluence.  History is repeating itself with that same attitude being leveled at the gay community.  We’re perceived as rich.  I personally am not, and know very few gay people who are, but that’s not the point.  People guilty of not looking too deeply into anything always need a scapegoat on whom to blame their own self-created problems.  The gay community did nothing to hurl this country into financial desperation — nor are we responsible for the world financial crisis, but the ignorant need someone convenient to persecute.  I’m reasonably certain Christ would not come-down on the side of discrimination – ever.  Christ never once mentioned same-sex issues, frozen embryos or any of the nonsense fundamentalists get worked-up over.

Obama’s public support for the LGBT community has shifted the focus of intolerance.  The new wedge issue is more than merely persecuting women and minorities its accomplished it all by focusing on the LGBT community.  Far right-wing fundamentalist Christians are quick to level fascist and Stalinist accusations at Barack Obama while wearing foolish teabags hot-glued to their hats.  These same people and their minions carry posters depicting our president as Hitler or Satan based on preconceived prejudice reinforced through the shameless hubris of FOX News and other Rupert Murdock noise-machines.  They promote the myth of talk about Obama’s hateful agenda; an agenda I have yet to witness.  I’m a news junkie who never misses an opportunity to read Obama’s words or listen to him speak.  I have never heard nor read one divisive word fall from our president’s lips.  But I’ve heard a lot of things attributed to him he never said.  That’s the way things work today.  Tell a lie, then tell it again so eventually the gullible latch onto it.  It’s dicey in the political arena to blatantly hate black people these days, though the ‘haters’ have enjoyed some recent success hating women and Hispanics, which isn’t politically wise either.  However, now that Obama has stepped forward to endorse full rights for the LGBT community, bigots can vicariously hate everyone at once by focusing their bile on gay people.

All this hatred hiding behind Christianity is nothing new, it’s merely getting wider attention.  An ignorant Podunk pastor sets the Qu’ran on fire in a nation based on religious tolerance and the result is countless deaths in the Middle East.  Then he and his say, “told you so,” without acknowledging his lack of wisdom and world understanding is the direct route cause of those particular deaths.  Another Podunk preacher advocates to his Parrish that children as young as four be “punched” if they display signs that can be interpreted as not falling into typical gender stereotypes.  All that fool minister will accomplish is gay teen self-hatred leading to suicide or individuals who live out their lives filled with self-hatred and ultimately come equate violence with sexuality.  Neither preacher is bright enough to be tolerant nor wise to the dangers of the dogma they spew.

Now we have a North Carolina preacher who advocates gathering-up all LGBT people and confining them within electrified barbed-wired compounds and starving them to death separated by gender.  There is nothing in the New Testament which would give credence to his ideas being in alignment with Christ.  These preachers and their misguided sheep are the real, genuine new Nazi movement.  You never heard Obama singling-out a minority for containment in a concentration camp devoid of all civil liberties.  Historically, you’ve heard Hitler say that and now you’ve heard far right-wing fundamental Christian preachers say the same thing…  To which I reply “The devil hides in the damnedest places – like in houses of worship.”

Freedom of speech may allow the boneheads at the Westboro Baptist church to disrupt the funerals of soldiers and homosexuals who died of AIDS.  Freedom of speech may allow an exceptionally ‘slow-minded’ woman to give addle-brained testimony before the Nebraska State Legislature stating that gay people pray on children and routinely work to puncture each others colons.  No, if that’s happening, it’s not happening on a large scale.  At 62 years old, I’ve been gay over 2/3’s of my life and I’ve never heard of anyone puncturing anyone’s colon as part of a sex act.  I’ve also never personally known a child molester in the adult gay community.  Most sex offenders are overwhelmingly heterosexual, as are most rapists and murders.  It’s just so damned easy to blame everything on the time-honored hatred of gay people.  Society may have stopped burning witches at the stake, but they’re slow to stop bundling gay-people into ‘faggots’ of kindling — only this time in an effort to burn our president.  When did hate become the core principle of Christianity?  More importantly, when is it going to stop?  To quote Mahatma Gandhi, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Below is a link to a recorded ‘hate sermon’ about confining LGBT people to concentration camps if you have the stomach to watch the old fool and his rant:

Facebook founder and alleged intellectual property thief, Mark Zuckerberg celebrated the public offering of his overly inflated company by marrying his long-time girlfriend, Priscilla Chan.  The wedding surprised guests who thought they were gathering to celebrate the company’s sale on the NASDAQ.  How romantic AND how shrewd of Mark.  Waiting until after Facebook was publicly offered means new wife, Priscilla, regardless of any prenuptial agreement, will never be entitled to go-after any of Zuckerberg’s earnings prior to their marriage vows should she come to her senses and divorce him.  She’ll do well, but not close to half his worth.

In every sense of the word, Zuckerberg’s new wife was royally screwed long before the honeymoon.  People who get involved with Mark Zuckerberg tend to get screwed even if they don’t realize it at first.  The Winkelvoss twins, who hired Zuckerberg as a tech adviser to their new social media concept were screwed when he opened his own improved version while dragging his feet completing theirs.  The twins were screwed by being awarded $65,000,000 settlement over their stolen concept which Zuckerberg developed, initially valued at $100,000,000,000 and dropping like a stone.  Investors were screwed as Facebook stock, already shrewdly over-priced plummetted 11% during its first full day of trading following it’s initial offering.  Zuckerberg is not suffering those losses.  His investors are.  That’s an 11 BILLION dollar “correction” for those of you unfamiliar with fundamental mathematics 101.

We, who use Facebook are screwed on a daily basis by Zuckerberg as he sells our personal private information to companies and individuals to whom we’d prefer not to be acquainted.  Through slimy legal language, our photos and words become wrongfully the property of Facebook — as if morality exists in cyberspace.  Mark Zuckerberg is an amoral young man who only cares about his own sweet world revenge.  It’s not our fault he resembles Harpo Marx, but without the charm or talent.  It isn’t our fault the evil and obscenely wealthy punk con-artist will always be a creep no matter what he does, who he screws or how little anything he does bothers him.

Facebook is a bubble.  Imitators will eventually come along and undercut the market, but it won’t matter to Mark, he’s already shafted countless gullible investors by selling them a whipped-up stock full of leaden air – leaden air which has already plummeted like a stone.  That said, Mark’s got his, and that’s all that matters, proving once and for all that good guys finish last.  For all my disdain of Zuckerberg, I still feel sorry for him.  There’s nothing to like about him, unless you want to get close to his money.  Good luck with that — I’ll pass thank you.  It’s bad enough ‘being’ Zuckerberg’s ‘product.’

Apparently the Mormon ‘faith’ must isolate individuals from popular culture and the vernacular of the times.  Why else would Mitt Romney respond when asked about one of his surrogate SuperPac’s resurrecting the tired old non-controversy about Reverend Jeremiah Wright by saying “I read about it on the ‘aircraft’…(?)

‘AIRCRAFT?’

Who talks in such a dated vernacular?  Who rambles on about the height of trees?  For that matter, what other modern politician is oblivious to the reality of their every move being filmed, documented and otherwise recorded, besides Mitt Romney?  He seem to think he can say anything — change his position countless times without justifying his contradictions — sounding like Ward Cleaver blithely unaware that people are looking at him as if he’s just beamed-in from another planet.

We hear a lot of talk from pundits stating a large contingent of American voters consider Barack Obama to be the ‘other’ — an outsider who is not one of them.  Some of those people merely have a fear of anyone with dark skin, but refuse to own up to their prejudice.  (They make an exception for John Boehner…)  Others who remain suspicious of Obama don’t know what to do with a ‘non-hoodie’ wearing well spoken black man.  But those people are stupid enough to think Treyvon Martin was killed by his hoodie, and they’re comfortable believing that.  What those same people fail to recognize, is Barack Obama is the populist and hero of the common man AND woman of all stripes.  Mitt Romney is not.  Mitt Romney doesn’t breath the same air as the rest of us.  You can hear it in his every word and ever off-key note of his excruciating a’capella rendition of ‘America the Beautiful.’  Mitt Romney is a stuffed-suit.  He’s the perfect candidate for corporate lobbyinsts like Grover “Beelzebub” Norquist’s and his evil designs…

To quote Grover himself:

“All we have to do is replace Obama…  We are not auditioning for fearless leader.  We don’t need a president to tell us in what direction to go.  We know what direction to go.  We want the Ryan budget.  We just need a president to sign this stuff.  We don’t need someone to think it up or design it.  The leadership now for the modern conservative movement for the next 20 years will be coming out of the House and the Senate.  Pick a Republican with enough working digits to handle a pen to become president of the United States.”  In other words, were Romney to loose a finger on his dominant hand, Grover Norquist would become America’s dictator defacto.

But back to the prospective role of Romney as Shill-in Chief:  While the Romney’s fly from one empty auditorium to another spreading their ‘Conehead’ philosophy of life in an alternate universe, even Ann Romney appears to be hopelessly out of touch with the average American’s reality.  Who pays $900 for an ugly T-shirt?  Especially one with a big, gross dead fish wrapped around her neck?  I eat for 4 1/2 months on what Ann Romney pays for one god-awful tacky T-shirt.  The Romney’s don’t connect with anyone, because they honestly live on a different planet where people install car elevators in their beach houses and multiple homes.  To quote Mitt Romney on this and all other questions, “Ha.  Ha.  Ha.”  That’s what passes for laughter in the ‘wild and crazy’ Romney household.

There’s been much ado about Seamus the Irish setter imprisoned and sick in an “air-tight” cage – (is there really such a thing?) – strapped to the roof of the Romney family car for a 1000 mile trip to Canada.  Why is that important?  Because it shows a complete and total lack of empathy for the poor beast.  ‘We the People’ can expect no better treatment from him if elected president.  We hear about Romney gay-bashing an allegedly ‘queer’ classmate while at Cranbrook Prep — and to this day, Mitt remains homophobic and opposed to extending the same rights to all taxpaying citizens based on preconceived prejudice.  The man repeatedly demonstrates no empathy or understanding of the human condition and the struggles of normal people.  At Bain Capital, Mitt routinely destroyed whole communities of lives bleeding companies dry and shipping jobs overseas while getting richer and richer stashing his ill-gotten gains in offshore bank accounts.  This man is missing so much human empathy and fundamental integrity, that I’d be surprised if he casts a reflection in a mirror.  What’s so frightening, is the GOP is running a stuffed-suit candidate who will take orders from Grover Norquist, who is himself NOT NOW nor ever WAS an elected official.  He’s a corporate financial lobbyist.

Mitt has enough digits to sign all manor of destructive legislation AND he’s demonstrated complete indifference to both man and beast.  Once all is said and done, Mitt Romney is a very handsome man in a sexless, plastic mannequin sort of way, and he’s willing to be putty in the hands of corporate overlords.  Romney is either clueless about the plight of real average American, or he simply doesn’t care.  And he can’t sing.  Or laugh convincingly.  Perhaps Ann Romney wore the cold-fish T-shirt on purpose, it defines them as a couple.

I’m sorry, but I can’t get all worked-up about Facebook’s IPO going all ‘pubic.’  It’s an adolescent company, things like that should be expected.  That doesn’t make me want to purchase stock.  In fact Facebook “enjoyed” a lukewarm reception on the stock exchange.  Zuckerfuck got to ring the trading bell.  Truth be told, I’ve only ever clicked-on an ad on Facebook by accident and I’m not stupid enough to buy ad space on that puffed-up gaseous waste of time.  Facebook is valued by it’s advertising revenue, and you can’t prove by me it’s effective.  I’ve only ever clicked-on an internet ad on ANY site by accident.  We all know internet ads are cyber-skank no matter what they’re hawking.  The damned ads will jump-out in front of your cursor just as you’re trying to click out of something.  Freakin’ things are magnetic.  Every dirtball has some kind of way to make money off the internet.  It’s all quicksilver money in a rip-off fantasy land of Angry Birds and Mad Cowville.  I manage my own blog that makes absolutely no money whatsoever.  Not that I don’t need money – I do – it’s more of a case of no one will allow me to monetize — which depending on how you look at it, seems only fair, as I’d never click-on an ad on a site like this myself.  God knows what you could catch…  And you need to consider the health and safety of your computer too.

But if pigs have wings, and I’ve heard they do, what would you do if offered a choice between an evening of dinner and dancing with the ‘Winklevoss tvins, da’ Vinklewozz tvinz?’  OR handing over your hard-earned money to Mark Zuckerturd so he can get even freakin’ richer?  The answer to that question is a matter of taste, moral fiber and circumstances.  My personal circumstances are bleak, but my tastes run more toward the twins.  Forget my moral fiber, I simply can’t abide Mark Zuckerbelch.  That little punk mo-fo is shamelessly rolling-around naked in money we ALL know he he didn’t come by scrupulously.  NO ONE AWARDS $65 MILLION DOLLARS to ANY complainant when they’re innocent.  Zuckermuck isn’t even 30 years old yet and there are already books and motion pictures depicting him as the soulless new J. Montgomery Burns.  Suppose you were given only one week to live, but were guaranteed seven days of quality life in the company of Tyler and Cameron Winkelvoss…  (OK they have weird, androgynous names, but at least they don’t answer to ‘Apple’ or ‘Blanket.’)  Part of the deal is the twins are picking-up all the checks and seem more than eager to grant your every wish.  Cut ‘em a break, remember, they had to settle for a measly $65 million after loosing their intellectual property to a conscience-free little jackal.  Zuckerfuuk left those poor handsome boys with only $32.5 million per tragic hunk — cursed to go through life looking like mirror-image Greek gods — only with a better personal economy.  After all, how much money does a person really need when you look like those two?

…OR you could infuse more cash in Mark Zuckerpuck’s pussy bank.

By this point even straight dudes are tempted to turn experimental.  No one wants to see Mark Zuckerblaag rack-in one single, solitary penny more.  We’ve all seen the ‘Social Network’ — now where’s his ‘social conscience?’  Not that the Vinklevozz twinks have a social conscience either, but who cares?  They’re a like a Thomas Eakins painting in motion.  You’re seeing double to the point where there’s a minty-fresh taste in your mouth and you’re tingling all over.  Perhaps it was merely a short circuit in your desk lamp… but maybe it was more?  Picture the Vinkylevoth twinths driven to fisticuffs, fighting with each other for your affections…

…OR you could hand your life-savings over to Mark Zuckamutha.

The choice is yours, but the scary thing is one of three already has your number and and all your personal information — and it isn’t one of the Winklefeck tvinch.

I am just about tapped-out and sick of Facebook.  I’m continually blocked by them when I’m not doing anything wrong.  I circulate my blog to like-minded sites and I get an error message saying “We’ve warned you before about making spammy and irrelevant posts.”  First-off who the hell is their master ‘artificial intelligence’ hard-drive to tell me what I’m posting is irrelevant?  And furthermore, there is no such word as “spammy” and there never will be in literate company.  You’d think I’d be used to this by now — I’ve also been censored by the evil Google freaks — and YES, they ‘do-be’ evil.  Hell, I’m not even trying to steal anything.  Nor am I allowed to earn an honest living online either.  Everything I try to do on the internet is kaboshed by some digital gestapo.

The world should not governed by brainless rules enforced through electronic hard-drives with no human monitors to whom you can appeal your case.  Once ostracized, this insures your permanent status as a outsider.  When you’re relegated to a ‘timeout’ in the internet ‘sandbox’ you bear the mark of a cyber pariah forever.  I’ve never made a single penny off this blog and no one’s made any money off of me.  It’s a beautiful thing.  My freedom of speech is to express myself in my posts however I please — and Facebook’s freedom of speech is to censor mine and prevent me from posting on like-minded sites.  I’m not allowed to so much as give-off the appearance of earning a living.  Welcome to the cowardly new world where a peon remains a peon.  It’s the new American dream.  Just don’t peon the surge protector where your laptop’s plugged-in.   It’s been known to happen.  Shocking.  And I’d still prefer the company of the Winklevoss hunks to that Zuckerfreak creep.

PS – I despise the way the new Facebook ‘message’ tool doesn’t keep track of unread messages.  Did it say 15 messages when I clicked-on it?  Or did it say 13?  Everything about the Timeline is poorly thought-out.  We should all consider weaning ourselves off this enormous waste of time.

In light of Democrats having cornered the women vote, which is THE central voting-block defining over half of humankind, Republican’s are reaching out and touching women.  Touching not only women’s rights, but a full spectrum of what might best be defined as “caring issues” — whenever possible using women to touch women, which is one of many a (straight) Republican leader’s fantasy…  Left to face-up to those strategies that remain at their disposal, Republicans are committing all GOP women to one free week at the ‘Frances Farmer Deep Brain Tissue Massage Parlor and Spa.’

Earlier today, the GOP House majority unearthed their own variation of the ‘Violence Against Women Act’ with a street fair where ticket-holders paid good money to throw bean-bags at a levers which dunked Native Americans, gays and undocumented immigrants into a giant tank full of foul vase water.   “House Republicans are committed to protecting domestic violence and sexual assault,” said an unidentified feminine voice from behind a back-lighted podium obscuring the voice’s identity.  Once her hard-drive was properly synchronized with the lighting system, Madam Rep. Cy Borg of Stepford, WA hiccuped loudly into her microphone and started sharing the same desert recipe over and over again.  All women’s microphones had to be silenced so as to regain order.

Democrats currently enjoy a comically huge lead among likely women voters who are not yet installed with Caterpillar-built digital conversion systems.  (Yes Reince Pervert, we’re onto your Caterpillar connection, and it is worthy of mention that women who are Caterpillar-build automatons fail to need access to contraception and are remarkably life-like.)  John Boehner and the other horny devils looking to bolster their own fragile sense of masculine superiority seek to block re-authorization of the V.A.W.A. while using talking-shills and blow-up dolls to both represent and stroke their masculine views concerning the measure.  Boehner adding, “All Republican women who have not yet signed-up for transvaginal-ultrasound-reindoctrination-brain-transplants will be listed as RINO’s and shot under the Feminine Fair Game Act”  — soon to be voted into law at the ‘Sin & Spank’ after-hours club on Connecticut Ave in Washington DC, where all the FemiNazi’s are men – (or at least were BORN male.)  For DC tourists marking-up their Fodor’s travel maps, that’s the ‘Sin & Spank’ where God-fearin’ Christian men wearing pantyhose drink free every Tuesday ‘til midnight.

Olympia Snow, who chose to step-down from congress rather than do jello-shots for Jesus, feels it is politically perilous for Republicans to keep pushing their faces in women’s crotches if that’s the only thing they’re endowed to do.  From the ‘broad’s’ perspective of the measure, renewing the Violence Against Women Act is intended to provide tools for law enforcement to combat domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking and is not controversial unless you’re a registered perp.   WinnieToons suggests you Google the key words “sexual transgressions” and “congress” in the same sentence and then just hit enter and roll the dice…

The sticky difference between the Democratic and Republican versions is: Democrats want protection for same-sex couples, undocumented immigrants and Native Americans, while GOP lawmakers favor beating-up on these “inferior” splinter groups, as demonstrated by the public dunking’s in foul vase water.  Republican women accused Democrats of politicizing the issue against a din of electronic feedback which sound-technicians were flummoxed over how to repair given none of the women’s microphones were live.  Republicans intend to filibuster the measure as soon as they locate an old 33 1/3 LP they have yet to scratch…  And or sniff.

Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck is under pressure to pledge her delicates over to Mitt Romney.  Candidate Duck, who only ran in the Republican primaries for the jovial comradely of her fellow GOP hopefuls, expressed doubts.  She felt she had a shot at the ticket due to a severe intelligence deficit among conservative primary voters.  “But they were even more dim than we’d anticipated.” said campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean, adding “The right-wing voter’s biggest concern is nominating whoever most resembles a men’s Sears & Robuck catalog suit model. They want their candidates to look exactly like them.”  It’s important to point-out that Duck D. Duck actually WAS featured in the Sears and Robuck catalog, however in the ‘hunting and camping’ section.

Ms. Duck was offended at Romney supporters demanding her delicates.  “What is this?  A panty raid?” Duck said while addressing reporters.  “How about if Romney supporters give me their ‘supporters?’ Clearly, given their choice of candidate they don’t need anything to keep their balls tidy.”  Candidate Duck had been briefly mentioned for the number two ‘slot’ on the ticket, however Ms Duck withdrew her name citing, “I don’t think I’m ‘fowl’ enough for that party and I object to being referred to as a ‘slot.’  Campaign manager, Jumpingbean is guiding Ms. Duck toward forming a third party now that Ron Paul has returned to the Mother Ship.  This marks an official break between the Long Island Ice Tea Party and its affiliation with the GOP.  The move is speculated to further fracture an already scatterbrained base.

“Frankly, all this discussion of her ‘delicates’ and ‘supporters’ has shaken Ms. Duck to her ‘foundations.'”
Said Ms. Jumpingbean.  “She suspects Romney only wants her undergarments so he can secretly wear them under his robes at ‘Temple.'”  Neither Winnie nor Duck would confirm or deny wide-spread rumors that Mitt Romney has been collecting ladies underwear ever since being deprived a steady diet of them while attending a prestigious boys prep school.  (As an editorial aside, had Mitt been sent to Georgetown Catholic Boys Academy instead of Cranbrook, he’d have had access to all the ladies underwear he craved – Mitt is, after all, “a wild and crazy guy…”)  Rumors have long circulated that Mitt Romney and Duck D. Duck had an assignation of sorts while on the campaign trail.  Undisclosed sources claim that Romney’s base had no problem with Mitt taking-on extra wives, but if he were perceived to be having an extramarital-affair categorized as ‘man on avian’ that would be interpreted by the base as an endorsement of homosexuality, (The Gospel According to St. Santorum: chapter 69, verse 666.)

Speaking on Duck’s behalf, Ms Jumpingbean denied allegations that by forming a so-called third party, Ms. Duck was merely behaving like a waterfowl scorned.  “It is completely untrue that Mitt Romney forcibly ‘leveraged’ Candidate Duck, or that he ‘sacked’ her, ‘screwed’ her and made her write bad checks – she did all those things of her own free will.”  Ms Duck predicts a landslide win for the Long Island Ice Tea Party, pledging to “toss Romney in with the wash, leave him on spin-cycle and then hang him out to dry.”  After repeated attempts to reach the Romney camp for comments, no one was willing to dignify our efforts with so much as a word in reply.

- Dissociated Press, 5/16/2012

WinnieToons is taking some time-off, starting with the observation of Mother’s Day.  See you all again soon when something irritates me to the point where I feel compelled to do a post…

The president of these United States, Barack Obama, has, in his own straight-guy kinda way, just ‘come-out’ in favor of gay marriage equality.  It’s a good and gratifying thing for a people like me.  In my life I’ve experienced every imaginable attitude toward the gay lifestyle.  Obviously, because I’m a gay man.  (Who else would have a blog like this?)  As a child I worked, often without much success to draw attention away from my effeminacy.  So much so that to this day people frequently don’t pick-up on my being gay.  Then again not everyone pays very close attention.

Gay people have come a long way since the days when we were bundled-up with twigs, having gun-powder packed into our orifices and our bodies used as kindling to burn a witch at the stake.  We’ve come-up in the world.  It’s been a slow, incremental series of painstaking social improvements that have taken centuries upon centuries…  I venture to say that gay people are without challenge the single longest persecution of a minority in human history.  Will young gay people ever really understand what went before them?  I hope so.

The first gay bar I set foot-in, was in Rochester, New York.  It was called ‘Dick’s 43 Lounge’ and it was depressing as hell.  All there was to it was a dirt floor and a jukebox.  The patrons wore eye-liner and were drunk as lady-lords by two in the afternoon.  I came-out in college following a disastrous attempt at trying to be heterosexual, ending when my girlfriend took me aside and told me I was gay. She moved-on and she was right to do so.

My girlfriend, who we’ll call ‘Sally’ took me home to meet her family, who were very comfortably-set conservative people living in a spectacular 19th century Greek-revival mansion filled with period furniture and paintings.  At the time it was the late 1960’s and the height of the sexual-revolution.  I was entering her parents house wearing bell-bottomed jeans, a peasant-shirt and shoulder-length auburn hair looking for all the world like a hippie Jesus Christ.  I was meeting the family over an Easter Sunday dinner — and nothing upsets conservatives more than anyone actually reminding them of Christ.  Unbeknownst to me, I was also about to be tested.  A test I could never have foreseen.  I was down on one knee examining carving details on gilded Victorian furniture and making a fuss over how much the place looked like a set from ‘Gone With the Wind’ while I was also feeling curiously self-conscious as if everyone was judging me like I had two heads.

Her dad took me out on the family sailboat to get to know me.  I swear he tried to knock me overboard with the ‘boom’ or whatever you call the bottom part of a steering sail.  I could tell he wanted me dead at first sight.  He knew I was banging his daughter and that immediately made me the enemy.  Fathers can sense that sort of thing because they themselves were once banging someone’s daughter when they were young.  During our brief time on the lake, Sally’s dad kept making references to sports metaphors and other space-alien ‘man-talk.’  As good a conversationalist as I am, I was at a loss to respond to the subjects he discussed.  I wanted to know more about the Empire pier table in the entry way of their house.  I loved the carved Egyptian heads.

Gay strike number one…

When we got back to the family manse, Sally’s fraternal twin brothers were drying themselves off after a quick dip in the pool.  They were both scullers for an Ivy League university, home for Easter break.  One was blond and the other a brunette.  Both had lean, well-muscled physiques and handsome chiseled features.  I must have been caught drinking-in the sight of them.  I didn’t think I was staring.  I thought I was being discreet acting like just another one of the guys in the presence of a pair of dream hunks — when my girlfriend cleared her throat, and said “I’m over HERE Beihl.”  I must not have heard her at first.  I was lost watching my own Tarzan movie starring not one, but two spectacular Tarzan’s.

Gay strike number two…

I pounded-out some Mozart on their antique piano after dinner, and shortly after Sally and I climbed back into her V.W. ‘bug’ for the long drive back to the dorms.  On our way home we decided to stop, park and do the ‘wild thing.’  It was risky having to smuggle one or the other of us into our separate-by-gender dorm-rooms.  We found a deserted country road alongside a pond and pulled off into what had once been a lane or deserted driveway.  I was all charged-up, but I didn’t fully acknowledge to myself that it was the sight of her breathtaking twin brothers that was motivating my mojo…

…If I say-so myself, I turned-in a damned good performance with Sally that night navigating our carnal way around the steering wheel, the dashboard and the stick-shift.  I was the ‘MAN’.  I was magnificent.  I was ‘ON’ making love with my lady, surrounded by nothing but the sounds of the night.  I’d found her G-spot and I knew it… This was the girl who was going to save me from myself.  She had the power to make me straight.  She was beautiful with a great body and long, blond hair.  All the guys on campus were hot for her, but she was dating ME.  No one needed to ever know about those “other” thoughts I had from time to time (mostly around stunning male athletes…)

Sally was driving, because I never learned how to drive ‘stick-shift’ (no wisecracks…)  We were all zipped-up, tucked-in and ready to go when she turned on the headlights to reveal the car to be completely COVERED with frogs.  Not a frog or two.  Not a dozen frogs.  Not two dozen frogs.  But hundreds to thousands of frogs.  I squealed like a girl.  No, I take that back.  I screamed like a woman.  As far as the eye could see in front and behind the car there were frogs hopping and writhing all over the place.  After catching my breath and realizing we weren’t living a horror film — but rather experiencing some odd Biblical moment in nature, I asked her not to drive anywhere.  I didn’t want the poor little buggers getting all squished.  We could spend the night cooped-up in her bucket-seated Volkswagen ‘beetle.’  “Like hell we can” she replied.

Gay strike number three…

As we were driving down the lane squashing untold numbers of amphibians much to my further dismay, Sally said, “I saw the way you were eying my brothers.”  All a closeted gay man can do at a moment like that, is look out the window like you don’t know what’s coming next.  She continued, “I asked them to be in Speedo’s when you got back so I could watch your reaction.”  I was squirming in my seat.  “Beihl, I hate to break this to you, but you’re gay.  You may not know it, no offense, but you’re a homo.”  I sat there stunned while my face turned hotted-red.  How could she say a thing like that to me?  I’d just turned-in one damned-respectable fuck but fooled only myself into believing I’d successfully hidden all my sissy-traits.  I’d believed no one knew my secret but me.

On our way back into town, she pulled-up in front of Dick’s 43 Lounge.  Verily, verily she did sayth unto me “These are your people – go forth and become one with them.”  Or something to that effect, she did have a great sense of humor.  Yes, my girlfriend literally “drove” me to be gay – or at least dropped me off at a gay bar.

I walked in, not horny, but out of curiosity — had a panic attack and walked for miles in the dark back to the campus.  Was it my my playing Mozart on the piano-forte in the parlor…?  Or perhaps my keen interest in 19th century decorative accessories…?  Had there been just a little bit of spittle visible on my lips when I watched her brothers toweling-off…?  Could it have been my girlish screams when I realized we were sitting inside a car totally encased with live frogs…?

I’d been ‘outed’ by amphibians — both by her waterborne hunky brothers, her sailing dad and the slimy leapin’ lizards on the car.  From that point forward I was ‘out’ and ‘gay.’  The Stonewall Riots were the following summer.  I wasn’t there, I was busy moving into town so I didn’t have to be ‘gay’ and living on campus the following semester.

Over four decades later, Barack Obama, the president of our United States of America validated the existence of gay men and gay women by endorsing same-sex marriage.  I’m not personally inclined to ever marry.  I’m past the age of interest, but I’m happy for future generations.  I hope young gay people appreciate and understand the years of struggle that came before they arrived.  And I still feel awful about the frogs.

This week the CIA announced a thwarted a plot by the exclusive al-Qaida men’s underwear manufacturer and design-house known as ‘Ibrahim of Yemen.’  The planned commercial launch was to blow-up an American-bound jetliner using a chic new form-fitting design for gentlemen’s foundations that is both comfortable and guaranteed to mess-up your junk forever.

This year’s collection is an upgrade of the underwear-bomb that failed to detonate over Detroit during Christmas of 2009.  The new line of men’s briefs were designed by celebrated Yemeni designer, Ibrahim Hassan al-Asiri and are much easier to maneuver while going-potty.   Ibrahim boasted of a more refined detonation system, and a snug fit that comfortably cups your family jewels before blowing them to smithereens.

The new line of Yemen based suicide-underwear has not yet picked a target but hopes to be available soon at Target and other chain stores hawking goods not made by workers here in the United States.  This latest line of men’s undergarments was launched in time to coordinate with the one year anniversary of Osama Bin Laden’s untimely demise.  According to one source close to the designer “Osama would have been so proud of both the fit and the way the new device, I mean garment, fills out a gentleman’s basket during those precious moments before blowing his balls off.”

Counterterrorism fashion-officials damned the new look with faint praise saying, “We’ve seen this same design before worn by Wiley E. Coyote and consider it as just another style rip-off.”  The ‘explosive’ new briefs are already available on store shelves in Taizz where gentleman are encouraged to try them on for size and practice detonating them during group al-Qaida bachelor parties – in Yemen of course.  If attendees will be so kind as to send out invitations via internet ‘chatter’ then special drones can be sent to really ‘mix-it-up’ at your next party, hazing or other social gatherings.  Ask all your friends with ties to al-Qaida — no one makes hot-pants like ‘Ibrahim of Yemen.’

- Dissociated Press, 5/9/2012

Scientists released startling information today linking Ann Coulter to Sasquatch footprints found in the Himalayas.  Unusually large tracks purportedly belonging to the legendary monster were found by Sasquatch researchers and identified as size 34 open-towed “narrow” Manolo Blahniks.  Big-foot chaser, faux-scientist and amateur snake-handler, Peter Raven was quoted as saying  “Only the most fearsome of prehistoric beasts could survive the Himalayas wearing open-toed designer shoes.”  He went on to add the shoes appeared to be ‘flats’ indicating they could only belong to one Ann Coulter.

Poor Ann…  She’s the “Cassandra” of the fallen ‘evil empire.’  She knows the GOP is going to have to steal this coming November’s election in order to win it, because they’ve got nothin’.  Not to worry.  They’ve done it before, they’re old hands at that sort of thing.  Sadly, they’ve got Mitt Romney as a candidate, who’s so spineless he’s been reclassified as an invertebrate.

Ann realizes GOP governors can tamper with voter ID laws that do little more than glean-out legitimate older voters born before the routine issuance of birth certificates and Social Security cards (also weeding out the poor) but there’s nothing they can do to make America love Mitt Romney.  If the GOP wins, they run the risk of sparking a frightening backlash from all of America’s minority communities and disenfranchised citizens — which combined ARE the majority.  Ann knows that.  That’s why she wanted to catch Chris Christie’s rising star before everyone realizes what a jackass he is.  But she’s stuck with Romney.  The GOP will have to do something…  States like Pennsylvania will suffer indescribable confusion resulting from the new voter ID laws.  Texas will be proud to decline a college student ID at the polling-place in favor of a gun license — but poor, psychic Ann knows the GOP has run amok…  She even helped-it along in her own obnoxious, ‘tangled-up-in-power-lines’ kinda way.

I was on Ann Coulter’s blog today.  I visit-it from time to time merely to see what kind of horse-puckey she’s hawking.  Generally speaking, she’s up to the hard-work of trying to convince herself she’s living in a very white world devoid of even the simplest hint of color.  I’m sure somehow SHE personally IS now that there’s no reason to take calls from Herman Cain.  Her most recent rant is an indictment against all immigrants.  Except for scientists from Sweden who are perfectly happy where they are.  But WAIT…!!!  I thought the GOP had debunked science as a false idol?  Oh, I forgot.  Science is only to be used when convenient and dovetails with one’s personal political agenda.  I beg your pardon, Ann, my mistake…

Ann was nominated for the WinnieToons “Betty Page Beat-off a Neocon” contest, but lost to an idiotic southern minister who advocates punching small children.  Sigh.  (Check-out several posts back…) I was really pulling for her to win in a field filled with men…  but remember, Ann said “I think women should be armed but should not be allowed to vote.”  Great.  I hope you’ve updated your ID, but not your gun license.

Sadly, Ann was born to be a first runner-up.  It’s karma.  She’s the woman who was capable of saying to a disabled Vietnam veteran: “People like you caused us to lose that war.”   Now she’s the looser.  Since she lost the Betty Page competition, Ann deserves a consolation prize and good verbal throttling — and I’m just the queen to do it.  Ann Coulter does not believe in either truth or the Constitution.  She believes:  “I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote.”  (Honey, you do that, and the Tea Party is toast!)  But back to her quote — odd how the GOP has caused most of the nation to become excruciatingly-poor and now they’re fighting to de-fund education…  (Especially her dream-c’hunk, Chris Christie.)   Keep the masses poor and stupid watching sports and sitcoms.  It’s the American way.

The secret NO ONE in the GOP hierarchy OR ‘messenger-minions’ like Ann Coulter want you to know, is they don’t believe the bile they’re spewing either.  For them it’s about money, power and complete-control ‘let the truth be damned.’  All those neocons, especially Ann, know they’re indefensibly in the wrong but it’s profitable and that allows their actions to be loosely defined as capitalism.  Just makes you wanna sit-up from your coma and salute the flag, doesn’t it?

WinnieToons has a special news for Ann:  ‘We the People’ allowed one very pale, blond scientist to immigrate to the United States just for her.  His name is Ura Frawdenabich:  We got a hold of a strand of her hair caught on the lighting-rod on top of 1211 Avenue of the Americas.  The DNA test results are in.  Ann is one half Swedish and one-half albino Watusi.  AND rumor has it her birth certificate is a forgery.