What if you scheduled a GOP presidential debate and nobody came? That’s what professional ‘nobody” Donald Trump faces with his upcoming POX News conservative presidential debate. Trump announced today that he might have to ‘scrub’ the debate. Newt Gingrich was quick to suggest that children from poor families do the scrubbing, stating, ” It would be character-building for the uppity among us to clean the very ground on which I walk.” One can only hope some soapy wet water may be left in the way of his path.
|The “Donald” on a good-hair day.|
Up until recently, the only other semi-humanoid committed to attending the “Donald’s” political non-event, was non-candidate, Rick Santorum who’s economy-saving measures include denying food stamps to over-weight poor people who can only afford tp purchase potato chips and soda as it is. Santorum, in a moment of deeply sincere Christian charity was quoted as saying “Let them eat rice cakes.”
|Candidate Duck D. Duck|
But in a stunning new development, the entire dynamic of the debate has shifted now that Long Island Ice Tea candidate, Duck D. Duck has agreed to to participate in the Trump debacle. The focus of which will be such pressing conservative values as: How to maintain the spirit and substance of the United States Constitution while incorporating internment camps for anyone deemed to be undesirable, inconvenient or intelligent enough to tie their own shoelaces.
|Manager W.P. Jumpingbean|
One of the issues up for debate is whether to allow seniors, young people or the poor to vote since their interests might be counter to those of the all-important 1%. “It’s the rich who are entitled to be entitled.” Said Duck’s campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean. “After all, it’s the wealthy and corporations who make-up the Citizen’s United – but social programs for the elderly, poor and those of school age are completely out of line if they expect to be awarded the entitlements they were fooled into believing they’d paid into.” Ms. Duck’s campaign manager Winifred P. Jumpingbean went on to say, “Just because someone pays into a program all their lives doesn’t give them the right to expect to collect on the investments they’ve made. Investments are are the sole property of stockbrokers and congresspeople privy to insider-trading tips, as God intended it to be.”
The “debates” will be moderated by “The Donald” himself, and hosted by the POX News network, who’s fairly unbalanced approach will see to it no opposing viewpoints are allowed to disrupt the right-wing leanings of the candidates. It is the unbiased view of the POX News network that such opinions would not be sanctioned by Jesus and are therefore invalid. Jesus, who was unable to be reached for comment was reportedly breathing into a paper bag with his head between his knees leaving him unable to speak, walk on water or divide fishes and loaves. Sources close to the Prince of Peace claim this debate is not at all what he’d wanted for Christmas.
- Dissociated Press, 12/10/2011