Duck D. Duck to Participate in the Trump Debates

What if you scheduled a GOP presidential debate and nobody came?  That’s what professional ‘nobody” Donald Trump faces with his upcoming POX News conservative presidential debate.  Trump announced today that he might have to ‘scrub’ the debate.  Newt Gingrich was quick to suggest that children from poor families do the scrubbing, stating, ” It would be character-building for the uppity among us to clean the very ground on which I walk.”  One can only hope some soapy wet water may be left in the way of his path.   

The “Donald” on a good-hair day.

Up until recently, the only other semi-humanoid committed to attending the “Donald’s” political non-event, was non-candidate, Rick Santorum who’s economy-saving measures include denying food stamps to over-weight poor people who can only afford tp purchase potato chips and soda as it is.  Santorum, in a moment of deeply sincere Christian charity was quoted as saying “Let them eat rice cakes.”

Candidate Duck D. Duck

But in a stunning new development, the entire dynamic of the debate has shifted now that Long Island Ice Tea candidate, Duck D. Duck has agreed to to participate in the Trump debacle.  The focus of which will be such pressing conservative values as: How to maintain the spirit and substance of the United States Constitution while incorporating internment camps for anyone deemed to be undesirable, inconvenient or intelligent enough to tie their own shoelaces. 

Manager W.P. Jumpingbean

One of the issues up for debate is whether to allow seniors, young people or the poor to vote since their interests might be counter to those of the all-important 1%.  “It’s the rich who are entitled to be entitled.” Said Duck’s campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean.  “After all, it’s the wealthy and corporations who make-up the Citizen’s United – but social programs for the elderly, poor and those of school age are completely out of line if they expect to be awarded the entitlements they were fooled into believing they’d paid into.”  Ms. Duck’s campaign manager Winifred P. Jumpingbean went on to say, “Just because someone pays into a program all their lives doesn’t give them the right to expect to collect on the investments they’ve made.  Investments are are the sole property of stockbrokers and congresspeople privy to insider-trading tips, as God intended it to be.”

The “debates” will be moderated by “The Donald” himself, and hosted by the POX News network, who’s fairly unbalanced approach will see to it no opposing viewpoints are allowed to disrupt the right-wing leanings of the candidates.  It is the unbiased view of the POX News network that such opinions would not be sanctioned by Jesus and are therefore invalid.  Jesus, who was unable to be reached for comment was reportedly breathing into a paper bag with his head between his knees leaving him unable to speak, walk on water or divide fishes and loaves.  Sources close to the Prince of Peace claim this debate is not at all what he’d wanted for Christmas.

- Dissociated Press, 12/10/2011

The Battle of the Buttheads

Donald Trump, the so-called “self-made billionaire” who inherited a fortune from his father was recently spotted on the beachfront of his Trump Casino Hotel in Atlantic City, where he was identified by oceanographers as a clam wearing a toupee.  

That explains so much.  

Trump announced last week he’s moderating a GOP presidential debate conspicuously missing almost all of the Republican candidates.  This political comedy – bound to be “must see TV” – is scheduled on FOX for December 27th as a post yuletide gift to late night comedians worldwide.  

Thus far, “The Donald” has only hornswaggled Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich into participating.  I can almost hear the Newster’s blatherings about “secular social engineering” and “Kenyan anti-colonialism” – stringing phrases together as if they actually have meaning.  I can further picture neo-con bobble-heads agreeing with Newt in earnest, yet confused solidarity.  It should be an embarrassment comedic riches chocked-full of stupefying sound-bites.

Rick Santorum, on the other hand is touting his latest campaign-non-issue to end the food stamps program because too many of America’s impoverished are over-weight.  He’s seriously  trying to palm-off this absurdity as an anti-obesity measure by starving people.  Yeah, right.  Poor people’s food IS fattening.  Only the rich can afford to be thin.

Truth to tell, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are made for one another.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them paired-up as 2012 running-mates on a nightmarish “dream” ticket to pacify the extreme right wing of the party.  What’s particularly terrifying, is Newt’s running in a virtual dead heat when pitted against Barack Obama in a recent New Hampshire poll of likely voters.  Frack-water must be taking it’s toll on the judgement of New Hampshire’s good citizens – either that or the entire population is living under power lines.  Evidently something is wrong…

One wonders how Santorum will approach subjects like Newt’s multiple marriages, governmental and corporate crimes and Gingrich’s lesbian-activist sister, Candice?  Newt will doubletalk his way out of those same issues largely claiming a declaration of Christian redemption.  Gingrich might have a screw-loose, but he’s bound to make mincemeat out of Rick Santorum.  If it comes to a battle of the wits, Santorum is an unarmed man and Newt is completely capable of shooting the unarmed.

The real significance of this impending debacle/debate, is Donald Trump’s desperation to delude himself into believing he’s actually relevant.  Trump fancies himself as ‘kingmaker’ of the GOP.  The only way he could prove it, would be to ‘fire’ both Gingrich and Santorum.  We should be so lucky.


Duck D. Duck Trans-channels Teddy Roosevelt

Following Barack Obama’s lead, Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck has taken to using populism by evoking the spirit – if not the complete fashion outlook of Teddy Roosevelt.  Speaking to a packed chicken coop in Osawatomie, Kansas, Duck stirred-up controversy by promising there would be a “A chicken and NOT a duck in every pot.”  

“This means work for the average chicken.” campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean said “plus a future in the fryer for most all of their eggs.”  While some chickens seemed skeptical, all accepted the generous offer of sunflower seeds and campaign pot-stickers.

Most of the Bantam Rooster Contingent appeared puzzled when candidate Duck stated “Give a man a fish and you can feed him for one day – teach a man to fish, and you can get him arrested for not having a license.”  This is a slight variation of the Wall Street motto, of “Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. But give a man a bank and he can destroy the world economy.”  

Duck wound-up her comments by introducing a bold new plan where children from the top one percent wealthiest families will be given an opportunity to be enlisted in a program where they learn to clean toilets in Fort Apache Bronx High School – to help build character among the upper classes, adding “Bully for the rich.”

In unrelated matters, Duck when asked by the press to comment on the recent re-arrest of retired assistant Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky, replied, “He certainly has brought a new meaning to the phrase ‘rearing children’.”
- Dissociated Press, 12/7/2011

Clean-burning, Affordable Natural Gas at an Untenable Cost

I don’t know about you, but when I crave a glass of fresh, clean water, I want it to have heavy concentrations of benzine and lead to help build strong bones, and a dash of Isopropyl alcohol, butoxyethanol, and ethylene glycol just for flavor.  So what if it makes the cat’s hair falls out and there’s a dramatic uptick in pediatric cancer?  We’re talking about American jobs here.  Jobs where employees can be guaranteed shorter life-spans and unpronounceable health disorders including loss of motor-control and brain and lung tumors.  Toss in a little gastrointestinal distress, despoiled landscapes that won’t recover for 500 to a 1000 years, and you’ve got everything you require to endorse fracking.

No need to worry about the ‘Clean Water Act of 1974′ – Dick Cheney and almighty Halliburton have fixed-it in Congress so the fossil-fuel industry can get around the standards that prevent toxic contaminants from seeping into our drinking water.  And who should know more about fossils than Dick Cheney?  He IS one.

Why is this happening?  It’s happening due to a lack of imagination and productive, clean-energy innovations – all for the love of short-term profit and long-term catastrophe.

What about hazardous airborne pollutants, you might ask?  To hell with them.  Bush/Cheney had already seen to it the industry can “legally” circumvent the ‘Clean Air Act’ too.  We can drink deadly sludge and breathe toxic fumes.  It’s the American way, and we might as well get used to it.  Our legislators have found the perfect way to curb the population…  Kill ‘em off while charging us all for the privilege of dying an ugly death while purchasing these very same products that are destroying our environment.  

Beautiful, isn’t it?  

Pressure land-poor farmers during an economic recession to sign-over the mineral rights on their property, lay the land fallow and make their homes unlivable and unsalable, then pocket the profits.  I don’t imagine you’ll see either Dick Cheney’s lavish Montana ranch or George Bush’s massive Texas acreage riddled with fracking sites.  They know better than to pollute their own property.  The only problem is, underground water sources have no respect for the boundaries of land ownership.  But then again, nothing will kill Dick Cheney.  He’s already being kept alive with bionic interior body parts and duct-tape.

Diagram from the Congressional Report on Toxic Chemicals Used In Fracking.  Note what the horizontal drilling does to the water.

Fracking breaks through the shale beneath the earth’s surface to create ruptures which increase the likelihood of earthquakes in an effort to release “clean-burning” gasses that can only be accessed by means which require literally tons of toxic chemicals causing mountains to bleed with oozing smarm, killing fish in the rivers, snuffing all that crawls on the land and knocking birds of flight clear-dead out of the sky.  What could go wrong with that?

Our fate is in the hands of the Four Whoresmen of the Apocalypse: Corrupt government.  Industrial greed.  Human stupidity.  And unbridled hubris.  On the bright-side, everything you drink from now-on will be just like enjoying a flaming Mai Tai, only the fruit will be poisoned and the paper umbrella will dissolve before it even gets a chance to catch fire.  Plus, just think of all the money you’ll save by not having to buy Sterno for under the petri-dishes containing gastronomical delicacies that will leave your dinner guests on the floor writhing with seizures.

A map illustrating sites where ‘fracking’ is already in progress including prospective sites.  Released by the ‘Congressional  Report on Toxic Chemicals Used In Fracking.’ Texas is just plain fucked.

They’ve already begun frack-raping all across the country including the Delaware River Basin and soon to reach the southern tier of New York State.  Both water reservoirs supply the drinking water for New York and Philadelphia.  Check below to see what’s coming soon to a kitchen sink somewhere near you – perhaps even in your very own home.  This short little video is not to be missed – THEN SIGN THE PETITION: 


The Christian “Redemption” of a Newt

Yes, believe it or not, this lavish room filled with statues of half-naked men is one of the Vatican’s own baptismal chambers.  I can’t help but wonder if this baptismal font is out-fitted as a hot-tub big enough to accommodate a bishop or two with an entire boys choir – or perhaps a Catholic football coach “looking-after” some of his younger team members.  Really it’s the perfect setting for all varieties of religious sexual hypocrites without regard to orientation.

 The Christian redemption of Newt Gingrich has been proceeded by a long and embarrassing list of martyred former front-runners…  Here’s a brief sampling:

Michele Bachmann vows to close our embassy in Iran if elected president, when we haven’t had an embassy in Iran since the 1970’s – and she’s supposed to be on the House “Intelligence” Committee.

Mitt Romney is an unlikable cry-baby who can’t stick to one position without contradicting his own contradictions.  Best known for leveraging American companies inot bankruptcy and shipping the jobs overseas.

Herman Cain is confronted with lying about a growing flotilla of female accusers and sex scandals while freely admitting to having no coherent grasp of international ‘affairs’, let alone his ‘own.’

Rick Perry, if elected wants to lower the voting age from 21 to 18 – fully unaware that the voting age has been 18 for decades now.  “Oops.”

Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that he’s deluded himself to a point where he’s become devoted to the non-issue of preventing man on animal marriages.  Rick is also a genius at crafting incoherent sentences that could be mistaken for intentional comedy.

Ron Paul is invisible, and Jon Huntsman is even more so – both neatly blending into the woodwork…       

What’s a Republican to do?  

Find a GOP frontrunner who embodies all the worst flaws of every single one of the aforementioned candidates in the form of a slimy chameleon like Newt Gingrich.

Newt is merrily pulling the wool over the eyes of the gullible and the faithful alike with his latest “I found Jesus” redemption plan, by converting-over to become a pretend Catholic.  Newt is making a ‘plus’ out of his multiple infidelities and habit of serving divorce papers to his wives (plural) the very minute one of them falls gravely ill.  Not to worry, Newt’s always got a spare mistress or lady in waiting.  It’s not the infidelity that bothers me – it’s the hypocrisy.  Remember, this is the “family values” guy who left in disgrace as speaker of the house under a stinking-cloud of impropriety while rabidly pursuing impeachment proceedings against former president, Bill Clinton.  Takes one to know one.  Newt, himself is the original-sinning first-class professional philanderer, liar and thief.

Newt thinks any politician who had dealings with Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac should be thrown in jail, when Newt, himself was on the payroll as a “consultant.”  I think he should lock himself-up of his own accord.

Newt is also the master flip-flopper going from a global warming believer to that of a climate-change denyer, without missing a beat – having once appeared in an environmental ad alongside Nancy Pelosi.  Newt can out flip-flop Mitt Romney, and out prejudice Rick Santorum.  He’s much better at making-up his own factoids than amateurs like Michele Bachmann.  And his foot-in mouth technique leaves Rick Perry in the dust.  Gingrich can pander to the ‘infidelity-voter’ much more skillfully than Herman Cain.  The only thing Newt can’t do is hold a candle to the integrity of Jon Huntsman or the consistency of Ron Paul – neither of which are qualities that much register with the registered-republican primary voter.  

Above and beyond all, Newt is not Mitt Romney, nor is he a Mormon – but he can become one if political opinon ever swings that way.  What Newt Gingrich IS, however, is the complete package of a dangerous, sociopathic narcissist who does a damned good impersonation of an intellectual.  He’s just smart enough to know how to play the politically naive into voting counter to their own best interests, and that’s what makes him the purest of the pure as a GOP front-runner.  Even an amphibious-salamander like Newt Gingrich craves his day in the sun – may he dehydrate from the glare of his own vainglorious ego.