At the Risk of Pissing-off the Entire Jersey Shore…

The Jersey shore when I was a boy, was a place where you could skinny into your trunks behind a dune and make a run for the ocean without seeing anyone else nearby – at least that was true outside of the major developed shore communities.  Depending on where you beached you didn’t need your trunks at all.  Now the shore is an overdeveloped honky-tonk ripe with seagulls gobbling French-fries off the boardwalk.  Like most things gone wrong in this world, those ills can be directly traced to human gluttony, indifference and greed – the three major byproducts of our species. 

After Columbus opened the floodgates to the New World, Western Europeans stampeded across the continent with little or no regard for the indigenous peoples, plants and wildlife who’d already staked a gentle claim to the unspoiled land.  Lord Baltimore gleefully shipped-over a dozen birds called the Columba Livia now known as the Feral Roc Pigeon.  These birds were destined for his Maryland estate in order to stock the shooting fields with his favorite game-hen.  He thought America was such a beautiful place that it needed one example of every species of bird.  He meant well, but he failed to shoot them all.  Sadly, Lord Baltimore was (at the time) the pigeon’s only natural predator.  Here’s mud in your eye Lord Baltimore…  Human encroachment on the woodland habitats have driven pigeon-eating Peregrine-falcons and Redtail-hawks to become highrise cliff-dweller.  


Pigeons and white-people aren’t the only species to take-up unnatural residence in the Americas – Farting-Holsteins, Chincoteague ponies, horses, pigs, gray roof rats and all manner of 2 to 4 legged interlopers came sailing across the ocean at the beck and call of the white man – some for the greater good and some not.  Once here our pale-faced ancestors sought to duplicate the over-crowded, discontented world they’d known and left behind.  Simply put, it’s the history of human failings. Of course those who sailed west also brought with them their cherished pet cats to curb the rodent population and keep the children amused.

Cats are mysterious, beautiful, enigmatic creatures who control our love for them with endearing indifference.  Perhaps it’s that indifference which makes us love them all the more.  It never occurs to anyone – in the cat’s own eye we’re merely ’service staff.’  Cats are always in control.  Perhaps we people feel a need to have something take control as clearly the human race is NOT equal to the task.  That said I’m not sure we want to let our world to be governed by the benevolence of our feline friends.  Cats toy with our affections much the same way they toy with their prey.  Gentle one minute and brutally harsh the next.  Nothing better mimics the cruel and contradictory nature of our world than the common, everyday house-cat.  Like Mother Nature herself, part of every cat’s charm is marked with a ruthless beauty.  Cats even have their own insufferable musical which is booked in summer-stock revivals long after all ticket-holders will have gone extinct, scorched to death by global warming.

Cat-lovers understandably want their cats purring by their side.  Even when vacationing on holiday at the beach.  People find petting an animal comforting, be it a dog, a cat or a cuddly Komodo Dragon.  

Dogs are licensed and monitored for the most part.  Whenever possible adhering to leash laws enforced (hopefully) by responsible communities and pet-owners.  Cats on the other hand do pretty much as they please.  A cat’s natural instincts rule them – for which they are not to be faulted or taken to task.  Cats bask lazily in the sun waking only to chase a leaf in the breeze – knowing it’s the sight of movement that captures their curiosity – triggering primal hunting instincts. 

Cats prefer a slow kill.  It’s so ingrained in them they have no control over it – and useful as cats are in keeping vermin at bay – remember the old saying:  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  If those sage words are true, then animal advocates are all too frequently the most well-meaning yet gently misguided people in the world.

I’m not aware of any effective method for herding cats.  Animal advocates (cat lovers in particular) endeavor to catch stray cats.  In the best case scenario, to responsibly re-home the cats to safety.  Other radically well-meaning individuals catch feral cats believing they’re doing good-works by spaying and inoculating the animals for disease.  It’s a start, but ill-advised to set those same cats back outside to run loose in ‘feral cat colonies.’  Doing so creates a recipe for disaster – especially in coastal areas where the feral cat population is leading to the unwelcome, rapid disappearance of irreplaceable species of coastal birds.  Cats will hunt not only for food but for the pleasure of the kill.  While little Mister Whisker-Puss has every right to live his life unharmed, so do other species vitally important to the cycle of life.

Best known for irresponsibility, human beings are far more capricious than than any calico or tuxedo could dream of being.  Stupid people too frequently loose interest in pets once they’re no longer cute little kittens or puppies – abandoning them or merely losing track of them.  People frequently dump dogs and cats in shelters once they become enamored with idea of parenthood and the new ‘human’ baby arrives.  Heaven help those children who’s parents have learned nothing from caring for an animal.  Pets understandably run away from human cruelty or neglect – in the shore points stray cats spell calamity for marine birds. 

On the Jersey Shore, among the most threatened of these defenseless birds is the Piping Plover.  Plovers are a gentle, harmless beach-nesting species.  Both beach-nesting and nest-defending leaves these delicate little birds vulnerable to feline killer instincts. Included in the list of threatened and endangered Jersey Shore birds are:  Piping Plovers, Black Skimmers, Least Terns and the American Oystercatcher to name a few.  A cat lover once said to me with flagrantly false authority that cats aren’t quick enough to catch anything but older and wounded birds, saying “It’s bullshit – birds can get away from cats by flying to the safety of trees, besides, it’s nature at work.”  Not so, beach nesting birds while capable of flight have no effective defense when their earthbound nests are besieged by cats.   Current data indicates there to be as few as ONE mating pair of Piping Plovers left in in some of the developed areas of New Jersey — outside designated refuges. 

I spoke with a with a source who disclosed there was a colony of Least Terns
where at least 60+ birds were killed by a single cat over a period of a few days in the municipality of Belmar during one nesting season.  Word has also surfaced there’s an investigation/survey underway of damage inflicted by feral cats who attacked a nesting area on the Jersey Shore this past June.  An estimated 100 pairs of beach-nesting birds were decimated – not only adult mating birds, but hatchlings, nests and eggs.  Bear in mind that baby birds are incapable of flight for the first month of their lives.  For these beleaguered species, it’s a disaster of incomprehensible magnitude.  If those same birds were slathered with crude-oil on the gulf coast, all animal lovers including cat owners would be outraged and signing online petitions.  However when the killing is done by cats, its wrongfully shrugged-off as simply part of the natural order.  There’s nothing natural about feral cats inhabiting the Jersey Shore – not unless you’re talking about MTV cat-fights in after-hours clubs in Seaside Heights – which come to think of it are pretty unnatural too. 

The next time you find yourself attempting to relax at the beach while being eaten alive by bugs, utter a simple prayer in memory of the harmless birds, many of whom supplement their diet with insects who left unchecked feast on beachgoers.

Its bad enough to have the Jersey Shore diminished by Snookie and The Situation – not to mention over-development, pollution, litter, tire-tracks and dune erosion.  This has got to stop.  I implore everyone who loves and enjoys New Jersey‘s beaches to please keep your cats indoors at all times or controlled on a leash.  Better yet, board them during your two weeks of summer vacation.  Drink-in the sobering reality that one lone outdoor cat is capable of destroying the future population of endangered marine birds very quickly and within an area of incalculable radius. 

Cape May, one the Jersey Shore’s finest communities has an estimated 125 feral cats living outdoors by their wits and instincts.  Who knows how many cats run feral in other resort towns…?  If you want to do something useful as an animal advocate – catch some of those cats and do more than merely neuter and inoculate them – re-home and domesticate them.  If you have to, turn the cat over to a no-kill shelter if there’s other recourse.  Better yet, spoil the kitty rotten in your own home, buying it toys and treats to your hearts delight.

Just take responsibility…!!! 

Only humane, forethought of action and common sense will prevent further diminishing fragile birds who’s nesting areas are none other than our rapidly dwindling stretches of unspoiled coastline.  Commit yourself to become some cool cat’s feline house-servant.  But in the name of all that’s good, don’t let the cat out-of-the bag at the Jersey Shore to prey on rare and irreplaceable birds.  

Cat owners –  if you’re a genuinely animal lovers you will take and meet this challenge.  There’s no chance in the world we will ever run in short-supply of cats – feral or otherwise.  Beach-nesting birds on the other hand are priceless whether in the hand or in the bush.

Piping Plovers nesting by seaweed.
American Oystercatcher with an oyster in tow.
Beach-nesting Black Skimmers
A Least Tern surveying dead offspring.

For more information go on endangered New Jersey birds go to:

Duck Speaks Out on the Economy

Mounting a presidential campaign is not for the faint of heart nor pocketbook.  This is why most politicians come from the wealthiest gene-pools financially speaking while encouraging moral bankruptcy.  In keeping with that tradition, Winnie and Duck have begun making cage-rattling calls to their supporters who are responding with bucket loads of cash.  According to Koch Industries spokesperson, Miss Georgia Pacific, Duck’s campaign has already put the touch on the Koch brothers for an undisclosed figure in exchange for granting exclusive rights to mow-down all our national parks.  With the national forests leveled, there will be no need for the National Park Service, therefore saving every American taxpayers a whole dollar each.

Monday marks the launch of Duck D. Duck’s national book tour titled ‘Duck Confit Dental.’  Advance orders have books flying off the shelves before they’re even printed.  The main premise of the book outlines Duck’s plan to convert all the wood taken from our national parks into pulp so she can print more money – thus tearing a page from modern Greece’s economic model.

Speaking on behalf of the presidential hopeful, Ms. Winifred P. Jumpingbean let it leak to the press that once elected, Ms Duck will end the Bush-era tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans and replace them with no taxes at all on the upper two percentile.  She explains how this will boost the economy and take the burden off the middleclass by selling seniors and the unemployed to China to do with them what they will.  Duck, who is not fond of the word “trafficking” prefers to think of it as a worker “redistribution” program.  This program will both lower the unemployment rate while replacing precious entitlement funds back into the greasy palms of government to abuse, ignoring the outstretched hands of those who’ve actually paid into these safety nets.

Last week at the Republican’t National Conference, Duck D, Duck, heading the Long Island Ice Tea Party delegation stood-up for her principals by saying “For the past decade, we’ve been shipping-off perfectly good healthy young people to die in the Middle East, and it’s cost us a fortune.  Instead, let’s ship America’s elderly and unemployed to China to pay-down our debt, knowing America’s indigent and elderly will be served exotic cuisine and offered some sort of shelter.”

- Dissociated Press, 6/18/11

The State of Healthcare Reform Without Anthony Weiner

Today’s resignation of Anthony Weiner is a very sad end to a chapter of the life of a passionate politician who faced-down republican greed on a variety of issues, not the least of which was healthcare.  Healthcare for the ordinary citizen as well as healthcare for the 9/11 first responders.  He had been among the clearest voices of reason when it comes to the humanity of universal healthcare – now derailed by a non-physical ‘text-sexting’ scandal.  No laws were broken.  The lawmaker was merely embarrassed into seclusion because his natural sexual urges controlled him.  Those urges control everybody, but not everybody is in the political limelight.

A number of pundits and TV loud-mouths contend if Anthony Weiner lied about his unrealized cyber-sexting, then what else was he lying about(?)  I have a totally different take on the subject.  Of course it was dumb for him to be caught-up in so stupid a scandal – especially leaving a digital photo-trail of his genitals – AND with a name like ‘Weiner’ you’re already the brunt of the joke.  BUT – I don’t think that trying to cover-up a sexual embarrassment indicates he’s a compulsive liar, but rather an extremely amateur one.  A man so unaccustomed to being untruthful, that he wasn’t terribly effective at it when he tried his luck a lying.  To me, that’s proof of inexperience in the dark art of manipulating the truth.  Anthony Weiner is a honest man who’s base desires led him off course.

The important question is who now becomes the champion of the healthcare cause?  Who stands-up for the interests of the ordinary citizen seeking a break in this financial climate where healthcare is concerned?  Democrats roll-over en masse and play dead when confronted with difficult challenges – everyone except for Anthony Weiner who is now stripped of his powerful voice.

Long Island Ice Tea Party frontrunner, Duck D. Duck, speaking to a packed house in Pokatella, Idaho applauded the removal of Rep. Weiner, noting: “Now it will be easier to implement my DuckCare Plan which includes such innovative ideas as mailing a package to all indigent and lower income citizens (i.e. the middleclass) containing a scalpel and vascular chart complete with 3 packages of ‘dollar-store’ Band-Aids and a recently sterilized tooth-brush.”  Ms Duck went on to say “Anyone who wants cosmetic surgery or other unnecessary elective procedures can have those treatments for done free, just so long as the individual needing surgery has appeared sometime in the last 12 months in the Out About Town column of Town & Country.”

In the sphere outside Candidate Duck’s worldview, the average American pay vastly more for fewer healthcare services due to a profit-motivated healthcare insurance industry.  More than any of the other industrialized nations of the world – all of whom consider America’s healthcare industry to be barbaric, corrupt, primitive and ineffective.  Beihl’s COBRA jumped last payment period from $165 a month to $476 per month just in time to see his income dramatically dwindle.  Below, are the totally unfunny statistics of America’s position in the world healthcare arena based on the national averages of each nation’s GDP.  America out-spends Switzerland, the nearest contender by nearly 4 percentage points while we’re getting less bang for our buck:

  • USA -15.3%
  • Switzerland -11.6%
  • France  – 11.1%
  • Germany -10.7%
  • Canada – 9.8%
  • Sweden – 9.1%
  • UK – 8.3%
  • Japan – 8.0%
  • Mexico – 6.4%
  • Taiwan – 6.2%

Socialized medicine has been given a bum-rap by the conglomerates who can afford to champion misinformation to the gullible.  America has great hospitals and doctors, even innovative (yet greedy) pharmaceutical giants, but the real problem is the blood-suckers in the ‘for-profit’ sector of healthcare who see to it Americans can’t afford the best services in the world right in their own country because of exorbitant middleman fees.

Anthony’s Weiner took control of his better angels, and is now he’s no longer there to protect us and give us a voice.  Duck has generously agreed to toss-in a bottle of hydrogen peroxide with her new health package adding “Combine it with some lemon-juice, comb it into your hair when you lay in the cancer-producing summer sunshine, and you too can be a bottle blonde in no time – and vote like one too.”  Not to mention riddled with basil cells.

Duck D. Duck’s GOP Campaign is Running Like Clockwork

In last night’s GOP presidential debate of candidates, one face stood out – that of Long Island Ice Tea Party front-runner, Duck D. Duck.  Mostly because she is the only candidate with an orange bill.  Duck, who announced she’d filed papers to make her run official, completely stole Michelle Bachman’s moment.  Bachmann, who announced her own candidacy only moments later to a thunderous applause of pit-pumping farts, was crest-fallen.

Other hopefuls included Newt Gingrich who did his ‘cutting’ impersonation of “The Cheese Stands Alone” and ripe…  Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather Pizza added extra cheese to his comments, while snake-handler, Rick Santorum spoke in tongues which was the only proper Christian thing to do.

Notable by their absence from the debate were both Jon Huntsman and Sarah Palin, but no one noticed.  Huntsman, a nation-ruining Mormon graying at the temples was represented by Mitt Romeny, also a nation-ruining Mormon graying at the temples.  Sarah Palin who covers her grey with brain-damaging color by Clairol, was represented by Michelle Bachmann who also uses brain-damaging color by Clairol.  Bachmann, Huntsman, Palin and Romney all resemble the couples used in Zales diamond tennis bracelet ads for 30th wedding anniversaries of  couples who’ve stopped having sex without exchanging jewelry.  If only…  Bachmann has 28 children, Romney has 5, Huntsman has 6, and there is no accurate accounting of the bastards in the Palin family who’s breeding habits are not dissimilar to basement chinchilla farming at home.

The Newtster, who after spending a half-million at Tiffanys, not to mention a cruise to the Grecian Isles, is suspected to spend his evenings alone in the bathroom with old issues of Hustler so as not to muss Calista’s bleached-blond helmet.  God forbid they should ever breed.

Tim Pawlenty’s hair, while natural, takes on the color of whatever background he is set against, and if the paint is wet, listening to him is much the same as watching that very same paint dry.  No one can remember if Ron Paul was present or not – perhaps he was represented by Tim Pawlenty…

Also absent was Texas Governor, Rick Perry who announced his intentions if elected to secede from the Union and join forces with Mexico to get in on the profitable drug trade.

Only one candidate emerged as the clear front-runner – Duck D. Duck who’s economic stimulus plan to sell the country to foreign mobs was met with a standing ovation.

- Disassociated Press, 6/14/11

Candidate Duck D. Duck Blind-sided on the Campaign Trail

In a shocking development on the campaign trail, Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate and front-runner, Duck D. Duck was temporarily blinded when she received an explicit photograph of Andrew Breitbart’s “manhood” on her Blackberry.  When campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean was asked if it was the fright of seeing something so horrible that blinded Ms. Duck, Ms Jumpingbean replied:  “Candidate Duck was trying to enlarge the photo so she could see the flaccid goods, when she was hit with temporary eye-strain.  While Mr. Breitbart himself was in quite clear focus, his genitals were too diminutive to be discerned by the naked eye.”

Winifred P. Jumpingbean further added that Ms. Duck was in the process of making enlargements of Brietbart’s gonads in order to have them engraved at Tiffany’s on the head of a pin as a gift for political cronies when the eye-strain occurred.  She felt it was only appropriate that such a small prick should be engraved on an equally small prick.  Breitbart, who is known in political circles as ’Princess Tinymeat’ has gianormous-balls metaphorically speaking and a ’shaft’ (such as it is) that’s more of an inadequate stinger leaking poison.

In an unrelated matter, Newt Gingrich’s entire campaign staff quit to join forces with the Duck D. Duck campaign when she allegedly let-loose photographs of her urodaeum on a National Geographic special about the mating habits of poultry.  Spokesperson, Winifred P. Jumpingbean would neither confirm nor deny the urodaeum in question belonged to the candidate.  Duck could not be reached for comment, instead releasing the following comment via Facebook:

“For a good time contact Duck D. Duck along with your campaign donations c/o D.D.D. Long Island Ice Tea Party Chamber of Commerce, The Pond, Texas, 66666-6666.

- Dissociated Press, 6/9/2011

Candidate Duck D. Duck on the Economy

Long Island Ice Tea Party front-runner, Ms. Duck D. Duck has arranged in backroom deals with the Koch Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus to fix oil futures to keep prices high while blaming President Obama.  High oil prices enable food and commodity prices to go even higher, which keeps the American middle-class in economic quicksand.  Candidate Duck has been quoted as saying:   “It’s vitally important to shrink the middle-class and insure their children are never properly educated in order to keep them poor, stupid and gullible enough to pull a conservative lever in 2012.”  (From which Duck, herself will personally benefit.)  

Duck claims to have been misquoted when referring to Mitt Romney’s faith as being a cult of morons.  What she meant to say, was “I admired Romney as the CEO of Bain of Our Existence Enterprises, where his mission was to close American companies and ship jobs overseas – but he didn’t go far enough.  There are still people on the planet enjoying freedom, and what was that touchy-feely health-care thing about?”

While personally admiring Mr Romney’s intentions, she felt his efforts should have included the reinstatement of slavery in the United States.  Ms Duck went on to say, “If Obama is to be defeated in the next election cycle, it is in the best interests of conservatives to do everything in their power to keep unemployment high through whatever means and tactics necessary – ethics be damned.”

Yesterday, June 11th, 2011 was the ten year anniversary of the disastrous Bush tax cuts for the top 2% of the nation.  This ill-conceived plan has cost the United States trillions of dollars in lost revenue – now carried on the broken financial backs of ordinary citizens – as well it should be.  This allows American jobs to be sent overseas to nations who do not ascribe to limits on human rights violations – be they child or forced labor – so American citizens can run-up credit card debt while price-shopping at the mall in stores on the verge of chapter 11.

Political adviser and campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean has urged Duck to make a statement about the economy to help insure the destruction of the American dream to keep that dream isolated to the people John Boehner has on speed-dial and/or anyone one who has more than 2 vacation homes which are fully paid-off.  In accordance with that advise, Duck D. Duck who, if elected has made the following solemn promise to the American people: “If we are going to keep our life-style stable for wealthiest 2% of the nation, it is imperative we destroy the environment – future generations be damned – today‘s bottom line is all that matters, other than the price of 1907 Heidsieck champagne which been sitting on the bottom of the ocean for the past 99 years, and is being sold for the bargain-basement price of $275,000 per bottle.” 

Duck made her statements in front of Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell during the 3rd pre-summer heat wave to the dazed and astonished applause of wilted tourists who thought they would be given bottled spring water.  

They were not.  

Duck went on to praise the series of ‘pink-slips’ issued today to under-paid educators in the city of Philadelphia, adding “Thank God everyone is focused on Anthony’s Weiner – this way we can screw ‘em whether they pay attention to the news or not.”

In a post interview statement given exclusively to the National Inquirer, Duck announced her intentions to revive the now defunct White Star Line, and encouraged the top 2% to not only invest, but to purchase tickets for the maiden voyage.  Duck in fairness to the record was proud to admit she “floats in a variety of weather conditions.”  The maiden voyage is scheduled for April 15th 2012.

- Disassociated Press, 6/8/11

Polishing-up on the Truth About the Knight in Shining Armour

It’s flippant of me to say I’ve never met a man I couldn’t “cheat-on” without mentioning how I came to that conclusion.  I’ve lived with 7 different men, one of whom I can’t even recall his name.  I never cheated on any of them.  Not because I wasn’t tempted or didn’t find other people attractive – I merely never knew how to go about it.  So I spent most of my life being a good boy trying to bring a pinch of June and Ward Cleaver to my gay love life.  But after you’ve dated and/or lived with philanders long enough, you get to recognize their patterns and techniques.  It wasn’t until the Dawning of Age of the Internet that I completed – nay perfected my study of the cheating male heart.

OK – I’m gay, which means I’ve lost track of how many sexual encounters I’ve had.  Way more than your average straight person of either gender.  What is remarkable about all those encounters is how very few of these assignations were either memorable or genuinely satisfying.  After a life of serial monogamy, I found myself single in my 50‘s.  Feeling life rushing-by, I became an online heat-seeking missile for sex.  Think of me like old light-bulbs and candle-flames that burn-brighter before burning out…  I set about having my “Roman Spring” and the most spectacular midlife crisis ever.

I hawked my aged beef on gay male hook-up websites complete with photographs that left nothing to the imagination, “freckle-counting” photos, I liked to call them.   I can’t say my cyber foire into anonymous-sex didn’t net me a boyfriend, a lover or a husband or two.  It netted me all three aplenty, none of whom were mine.  Virtually everyone I met online was either a gay dude cheating on his boyfriend, or more commonly a married man with children cheating on his whole family.  I made a study of them all.  It’s mind-boggling how many men lead secret sex lives.  Pigs are indeed men.

At first I naively believed I might meet someone like myself, merely testing the online waters.  Who was I kidding?  I was wasting countless hours of my evenings on hook-up sites.  I’d meet a guy, have gratuitous sex as if it were nothing more than an innocent handshake – which in gay vernacular it kind of is.  Gay men have sex first and talk later.  My house became a revolving door of male study-specimens who freely allowed me to get to the meat of the matter as to why men cheat.  I actually “interviewed” so many men, that in no time flat, I’d become the very sort of man I, myself most despised – obsessed with doing in my 50’s what most guys did in their 20‘s.  I played the field and sewed my wild oats just in the nick of time before putting myself out to pasture.  And I met a wide variety of men.

The conclusion I drew from this unscientific adventure is as follows:  ALL MEN CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES, LOVERS, MISTRESSES, BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS AND HOUSEPLANTS – if only in their minds.  Going out on a limb, I’d speculate the vast majority of men have had at least ONE dalliance outside of a committed relationship and lied about it.  Anthony Weiner is no different than any other man.  Nor is Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, Bill Clinton or JFK, to mention only a few. 

Men are hardwired differently than women.  Men are more attuned to visual stimulation, the need for sexual rejuvenation, morphing us into complete lumps-of-failure when the subject of sexual temptation rears it’s turgid head.  Actually most men are helpless once that certain tingle sends it’s signal.  The more a man tries not to think about sex, the more a man will find himself dwelling on sex and any variety thereof until the instinct is temporarily abated.

Once satisfied, the cycle starts all over again – obsessively as ever.  Sex is only ever a temporary quick-fix, and phone/internet “voyeur sex” leaves one feeling as if left with the last hors d’oeuvres and no satisfying main course – that’s where the whole thing, including the chase, becomes addictive.

So addictive, A man reaches a point where his inner-wolf must prowl or risk becoming even more mentally distracting – collapsing him into a total loss of constructive focus.  Ironically, loss of focus is one of the side effects of both Viagra and Cialis.

Masturbation helps but only to further insure blindness.  Needless to say, I’m profoundly vision impaired.

Sadly, Anthony Weiner is one of my admired heroes.  I’m not disappointed with his having dirty dalliances on his Blackberry.  I’m disappointed in how he handled the fallout by failing to recognize how vital the truth becomes when your vulnerable private-parts are backed into a corner by the media.  I’m not upset with him because he tweeted his shadow-boxers to at least a half-dozen women.  I’m upset because this stupid stunt has drawn attention away from all the important causes he’s stood-up and fought for.  OK “stood-up” might have been a poor choice of words.  But as our world is crumbling into shreds all around our very ears, and we’re still mesmerized by everything salacious in life – be it our own or that of others.  

Americans define morality much the same as our puritan ancestors — “SEX” — but doesn’t bat an eye when our nation robs it’s citizens of blood and treasure, sending our youth to die for lost causes – or when the Supreme Court strips away our fundamental rights.  That’s all mysteriously OK with a startling number of Americans. It doesn’t even pique their interest.

I’ve loved Anthony Weiner NOT for his impressive junk or ripped pectorals (who knew…?) – but for the good he’s done serving in public office – like humiliating congress into taking action to help the 9/11 First Responders – his fights for everyday citizens, the environment and fairness for all Americans in the face of a hostile, heartless and short-sighted GOP House majority.

Each time one of these sex scandals break, Americans act like it’s a huge surprise that our heroes, congressmen, senators, politicians, priests and partners have secret sexual desires.  This is not ‘flash-worthy’ news.  This is just another obstruction tossed in the paths of the genuinely important issues which profoundly impact the quality of our daily lives.  Titillating as this crap may be, I believe it’s an unwelcome diversion away from the news we need to know in favor of the bottom-feeding swill ‘We the People’ love to hear.

After a dinner party one night a long time ago, I was making love with my very last long-term lover – after all of our had dinner guests had left, we got the urge.  Earlier in the evening, one of our guests brought a date.  Kind of a cute guy, not traditionally handsome, but he was adorable, smart and funny – which by my lights is way hotter than any gym-honed Adonis.  While my partner and I were having a rollicking good time in the hay, he suddenly burst out with – “you’re thinking about that guy Chris brought to dinner…!!!”

I was indeed, and having a wonderful time up until he spoke that out loud, betraying how he too was thinking about that very same dinner guest.  People always accuse others of what they’re actually thinking.

In an instantaneous buzz-kill, the “moment” was over.  I later learned my ‘then’ partner was two-and-three-timing me with other men all over town – in the flesh.  Furthermore, he was freelancing outside of our relationship as a hooker in the stable of an escort service.  All my friends knew, but no one had the courage to tell me.  I found out about this startling turn of events 8 years into my 7th live-in relationship. 

Call me slow on the uptake.

All men cheat – if only “with lust in their hearts.”  So do a lot of women.  It’s the human condition for those of us willing to recognize our inner mating-demons.  

OK – enough.

Now let’s get back to focusing on the economy ending wars and doing something constructive with our nation.  I think Anthony Weiner will ultimately survive this non-scandal – but the ‘Slick-Willie’ jokes that dogged him starting in childhood – as a result of his techno-judgement-gaff will linger for the rest of his life.   With the name ‘Weiner’ they would have in any event…  

At least Weiner wasn’t a self-proclaimed ‘family-values’ morality snob, so he’s less of a hypocrite than the string of political hornies who’ve preceded him.  I’m sure Rep. Weiner can bone-up and move on.  If he, himself and the media will let him. 

Duck D. Duck on Courting the Latino Vote in 2012

Sarah Palin was parasailing her way through her personal “interpretation” of American history during last week’s completely private family vacation titled ‘The One Nation Tour.“ 


So private and inconspicuous were they, that hardly a soul noticed the cavalcade of bikers revving-up their engines surrounding a bus shrink-wrapped with an image of the Constitution in order to “blend” invisibly into the national landscape.  The beauty of Palin is not merely her Annie Oakley show-woman-ship, but her near flawless butchering of all facts, history and grammar.  Ms Palin wound up her televised public humiliation with the following enlightenment about Paul Revere:

  • “ He who warned the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Not quite knowing where to begin in dissecting that sentence, let alone interpreting the meaning of it, perhaps it might be best to merely move along, and cover the wrap-up of Duck D. Duck’s “One Nation Under Fog Tour” where no such gaffs were made.  Duck, the front runner and favorite among the ‘Long Island Ice Tea Party” closed her bus tour to a standing-room only crowd in Pocatello, Idaho with an evening of ’Charo’ impersonations in an effort to garner the Latino vote.

So while Sarah Palin was apologizing to Mitt Romney for stealing his thunder in New Hampshire, Duck was on the offensive against Michelle Bachmann.  Palin sincerely didn’t know her presence in New Hampshire was going to squash Romney’s presidential announcement, because Sarah doesn’t read any of the NUMEROUS publications to which she subscribes and she pays no attention to the “lame-stream media.’  Duck, on the other hand meant it as a direct confrontational slight to Michelle Bachmann and her 28 children when Duck told the press it was her intention to begin hoarding cats.  The gloves are off, and leaving the other two conservative women candidates in the dust, Duck D. Duck intends to move forward with her campaign by running as a wise-crackin’ Latina woman. 

This next election cycle may quite possibly be decided by the Latino vote.  Duck has got to get out ahead of Obama in the poles by drawing attention away from his accomplishments.  Whereas  Obama has come-out in support of the ‘Dream Act’ to naturalize immigrants raised in this country, and gone so far as to appoint Sonya Sotomayor as the country’s first Latina woman to serve in the Supreme Court – Duck has undergone a make-over to embody the very essence of Charo, who stands for big hair, big breasts, platform shoes and a spitfire connection with her constituency.  Ah’rrrrrr…!!!  

While it may be true that Obama got Bin Laden, Duck claims to have found Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s brains in the desert.  So guess who’s looking presidential NOW…?!!!

Bachmann and Palin make-up historical factoids remolded to their own liking, stepping quietly around the reality that only a very tiny percentage of the American population has the claim to say they’re Native American – the America we know was built by immigrants.  The agricultural industry is already driving-up food prices because of crack-downs on illegal immigrant workers – most of whom are Latino…  taking away the jobs Americans WON’T even consider taking.  Add to that, the increasing numbers of registered Latino voters who feel an understandable lack of comfort with the GOP/Tea Party’s animosity directed at all foreigners, and you have an enormous portion of the electorate disenfranchised by the extreme-right wing. 

Every single day Obama uses his ‘bully-pulpit’ to do silly things like trying to pull us together as an all-encompassing nation of opportunity – while the Gorgon sisters, Palin and Bachmann work tirelessly toward a gun-totin’ apartheid for Jesus.  Duck has chosen to counter both of these strategies with Charo’s Castilian logic and unique fashion outlook.  Duck is quoted as saying “I feel very close to Charo.  I was raised by wolves, and Charo was raised by nuns, so our upbringing was virtually identical.”  Duck went on to say “Picture a three-way mud-wrestling match between Bachmann, Palin and Charo.  Who do you see emerging victorious from the pit?”

We rest our case.  It will be Obama vs. Duck in 2012 or my name isn’t Winifred P. Jumpingbean.   

The Palin Gang Done Rode Into Town…

Yes indeedy, the ‘Palin Gang’ has done gone and rode theyselves into town.  In fact in every town in America all at once, like the invasion of the Beverley Hillbillies.  The Palins were collectively perspiring here in Philadelphia at the Liberty Bell just the other day during the record-breaking heat wave.  But it really got hot when her bubble-headed bus tour trampled Mitt Romney’s “moment” to announce his official presidential GOP candidacy in Stratham, New Hampshire – while only ten miles away, Palin, complete with dog and pony show were drawing-all the press attention away.  Truth to tell, I don’t want a Mormon for president any more than I want a moron – both have the trappings of a cult, by my lights.

Palin has also ridden into dusty Arizona to establish residency in the lower forty-eight.  This has got to have Arizona Senator John McCain breathing into a paper bag between his knees.  The Palin Klan didn’t so much as unpack their bags in AZ before launching-out on a family vacation, titled “The One Nation Bus Tour.”  Whoa there Maverick – (make that runaway cow) who the hell “names” their family vacation…?!!!  It’s kinda like the Palin family’s own “Desert Storm.”  The entire Klan are like gremlins – “don’t get ‘em wet or feed ‘em after midnight.”  They’re everywhere at once – like locusts…!!!

Secretly Winnie, Duck and Beihl are all hoping for a Palin/Santorum GOP ticket in 2012.  We’d love to see them further split the neo-con vote.  Rick Santorum, with the IQ of an oyster was recently quoted as saying John McCain didn’t know as much as HE did about “enhanced interrogation techniques.” 

Pause…  we all need a collective paper bag moment here…

Whatever you may think of McCain’s politics, you can’t take away from him his status as a genuine American war hero who survived prolonged torture and confinement in Vietnam.  McCain, watching the monster he created in Sarah Palin combined with the insulting mediocrity of Rick ‘Sanitarium’ must make the poor ol’ gentleman long for his days tied to an ant-hill.

Unlike McCain, Palin genuinely is a Maverick – in other works, a wild cow run amuck with political A.D.D. and an agenda that has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone’s best interests but her own.  What’s next?  National Geographic Present’s Sarah Palin’s America?  I certainly hope not.

The best we can hope for is for Sarah and her traveling freak-show will ride into the sunset in their GIANT shrink-wrapped bus boasting the Constitution.  Palin has a barely nodding acquaintance with the Constitution.  All it means to her, is she can pack heat and put people in her crosshairs without taking responsibility.  But she sure does know how to mesmerize the great voting unwashed.

Want That With Mustard?

For the love of Pete, can we stop talking about Anthony’s Weiner?  How in the world such an adept politician could be duped so skillfully is beyond all understanding.  I don’t care if that photo in question ‘Tweeted’ to a female west coast college student is Anthony’s Weiner in his underpants or not.  The young woman who allegedly was sent this photo denies having any prior inappropriate contact with Rep. Weiner, and has, in point of fact, never met the man.  Furthermore, the photo never actually reached her – it was a damaged file by the time she received it.  Perhaps Rep. Weiner’s reluctance to deny that the bulge in the offending underwear photo is his or not – is due to the fact it’s both ‘dressing’ to the left and impressive in size.  What man doesn’t want a reputation like that?  It’s ultimately good press.

I wouldn’t mind if there was a massive publicity campaign aimed at the whole nation telling the entire world I was well endowed.  But I have is my dignity, such as it is.  This prank has the mark of Andrew Breitbart stamped all over it.  It stinks, it’s dishonest, it’s slimy and has no possible means of being proven or disproven – so look no further, it’s Breitbard or one of his diminutive minions.  Somehow the photo reached Breitbart.  Just sayin’…

There are people out there doing this stuff in cyberspace, merely for the fun and mischief of it all.  I’ve recently had my online accounts hacked, as have several friends.  I’ve unsuspectingly sent out Viagra ads, links to nude photos of somebody’s Russian sister and even a plea for money to be sent to a bank account in Zimbabwe.  I have done none of these things purposefully.  I have, however willingly posed-nude for photographs, but then again, I’m an artist and a self-proclaimed free spirit.  The way I know the photo is not MINE, is because the man in question has his underwear is ON.

Ever butt-dialed a phone? 

I’ve accidentally taken photographs of the inside of my pocket.  And I once received a lengthy voicemail from a client and his wife having an argument unaware that the phone had inadvertently dialed me and was leaving a message detailing a full account of his inadequacy as a husband.  He was inadequate as a client.  I was on her side, she should have killed him, but that’s a story for another day.

As a person who’s reached a certain age and weight where I reprogram my phone every time I bend over to pick-up a quarter, I’m leaning toward the Weinergate scandal being either a hacker-prank or a complete accident.  Weiner hasn’t handled is “wiener” crisis as skillfully as a “supporter” of his might have hoped.  But he’ll survive this.

And I’m glad to see whoever he was, was wearing boxer shorts.  And best of all, it took the news spotlight off Sarah Palin’s creepy family bus-tour.