|Herman Cain’s “999” tax package adds-up to the number 27, which is the actual number of people who would benefit from his bold new economic initiative. 27 is also the number of people who liked Häagen-Dazs black walnut ice cream.|
|Campaign Manager W.P Jumpingbean|
Herman Cain may be the new GOP frontrunner, but Häagen-Dazs has discontinued his “Black Walnut Flavor of the Month.” Now Shocking new revelations about Herman Cain surfaced today when it was revealed the former CEO of Godfather Pizza does not exist, nor does he cast a reflection in mirrors. Speaking on behalf of Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck, spokesperson Winifred P. Jumpingbean revealed startling evidence that Herman Cain is none other than David Koch in black-face. “David Koch began applying “Black Walnut” liquid foundation by L’Oreal on his face and hands originally so he could fit-in at rap concerts.” Ms Jumpingbean went on to say, “Only later did Mr Koch realize the beauty of his scheme – no one would ever again attempt to check for the birth certificate of another black candidate”
|LIITP Candidate, Duck D. Duck|
Duck D. Duck first became suspicious when she heard Cain make the comment “If you aren’t rich, it’s your own fault” Duck adding “He stole my line.” But there was other evidence pointing to Herman Cain’s true identity – for instance Michele Bachmann’s astute observation that “when you turn 999 upside-down, the devil is in the details.” Everyone knows that David Koch has a birthmark on his forehead in the 666 shape of the “beast.” All it took was a little eyebrow pencil (also from L’Oreal) to alter the numerals. A spokesperson from the Unreal Department of L’Oreal refused to confirm nor deny rumors that Herman Cain is in reality David Koch, but did say “Our cosmetics are trans-formative.”
|The proof is in the pudding – no discernible differences to the naked eye or to a minority voter actually permitted to vote in red (neck) states.|
The evidence above is enough for an indictment, and no further research is necessary. It is a confirmed fact that David Koch and Herman Cain are one in the same person. For example, when was the last time you saw Herman Cain in a bathing suit? You haven’t. There’s not enough Black Walnut Häagen-Daz OR L’Oreal in the world to pull-off that stunt. A quick research of Google Images could not turn-up one single example of David Koch and Herman Cain in the same room – more conclusive proof.
Seriously now, how else can the Republican Party co-opt the black vote in the 2012 elections aside from racial profiling at the polling place? The answer: a faux black conservative candidate with a full face of make-up. We rest our case.
- Dissociated press, 10/14/2011