Shocking New Revelations About Herman Cain

Herman Cain’s “999” tax package adds-up to the number 27, which is the actual number of people who would benefit from his bold new economic initiative. 27 is also the number of people who liked Häagen-Dazs black walnut ice cream.
Campaign Manager W.P Jumpingbean

Herman Cain may be the new GOP frontrunner, but Häagen-Dazs has discontinued his “Black Walnut Flavor of the Month.”  Now Shocking new revelations about Herman Cain surfaced today when it was revealed the former CEO of Godfather Pizza does not exist, nor does he cast a reflection in mirrors.  Speaking on behalf of Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck, spokesperson Winifred P. Jumpingbean revealed startling evidence that Herman Cain is none other than David Koch in black-face.  “David Koch began applying “Black Walnut” liquid foundation by L’Oreal on his face and hands originally so he could fit-in at rap concerts.”  Ms Jumpingbean went on to say, “Only later did Mr Koch realize the beauty of his scheme – no one would ever again attempt to check for the birth certificate of another black candidate”

LIITP Candidate, Duck D. Duck

Duck D. Duck first became suspicious when she heard Cain make the comment “If you aren’t rich, it’s your own fault” Duck adding “He stole my line.” But there was other evidence pointing to Herman Cain’s true identity – for instance Michele Bachmann’s astute observation that “when you turn 999 upside-down, the devil is in the details.”  Everyone knows that David Koch has a birthmark on his forehead in the 666 shape of the “beast.”  All it took was a little eyebrow pencil (also from L’Oreal) to alter the numerals.  A spokesperson from the Unreal Department of L’Oreal refused to confirm nor deny rumors that Herman Cain is in reality David Koch, but did say “Our cosmetics are trans-formative.”  

The proof is in the pudding – no discernible differences to the naked eye or to a minority voter actually permitted to vote in red (neck) states.

The evidence above is enough for an indictment, and no further research is necessary.  It is a confirmed fact that David Koch and Herman Cain are one in the same person.  For example, when was the last time you saw Herman Cain in a bathing suit?  You haven’t.  There’s not enough Black Walnut Häagen-Daz OR L’Oreal in the world to pull-off that stunt.  A quick research of Google Images could not turn-up one single example of David Koch and Herman Cain in the same room – more conclusive proof.  

Seriously now, how else can the Republican Party co-opt the black vote in the 2012 elections aside from racial profiling at the polling place?   The answer: a faux black conservative candidate with a full face of make-up.  We rest our case.

- Dissociated press, 10/14/2011       

6 thoughts on “Shocking New Revelations About Herman Cain

  1. The Republican propaganda going around now is that Martin Luther King Jr was a conservative Republican.
    Even if that were true, which doesn't add up, so what? Modern Republicans don't bother being consistent with what they said last year, let alone 45 years ago. They can't even live up to the conservative "ideals" that their demi-god Ronnie Ray-gun put forth. Reagan did say that the rich had to pay their share, and that manufacturing jobs had to be kept in the USA. Now, if Reagan ran, he'd LOSE to Rich Perry or Mitt Romney because he just isn't radical, or extremist enough. Sickening. The Right makes me want to blow chucks, or slit my wrists.
    I tell you, my wife and I went up to Canada Friday, and it is pretty there, and I would be very tempted to move if the Right wins a majority next year.

  2. I am about to commit sacrilege – The capitalist mecca we have made our country is leading to its failure. Capitalism is NOT the panacea for peace, prosperity and life that the corporatists would have you think. Capitalism is the worship of money, praying is greed, devotion is the stock market. Morals do not exist in capitalism, nor does compassion, fair-play or generosity. Capitalism has FAILED America and the American people. The GREED of capitalism is what prompts our elected officials to accept bribes in the name of "campaign contributions" and to call corporations "people".
    If we cannot stop the corruption that is capitalism, America will fail, and become a possession of China. For those that want to call me a socialist for that, so be it, then I am a socialist, for I am for SOCIAL JUSTICE, not money justice.

    Ô Canada!
    Terre de nos aïeux,
    Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
    Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
    Il sait porter la croix!
    Ton histoire est une épopée
    Des plus brillants exploits.
    Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,
    Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.
    Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

    Translation:

    O Canada!
    Land of our forefathers,
    Thy brow is wreathed with a glorious garland of flowers.
    As is thy arm ready to wield the sword,
    So also is it ready to carry the cross.
    Thy history is an epic
    Of the most brilliant exploits.
    Thy valour steeped in faith
    Will protect our homes and our rights
    Will PROTECT OUR HOMES AND OUR RIGHTS!

  3. Sorry but Scott Thompson isn't on my radar, the name just doesn't ring a bell. But Samuel Cunard, founder of Cunard Lines was from Canada, as was Guy Laliberté, founder of Circ de Soliel, Alexander Graham Bell, James Naismith (invented basketball) actors Paul Anka, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Yvonne De Carlo, Brendan Fraser, Leslie Nielsen, Mary Pickford, etc. Frankly, the list goes on forever.
    How much less would America be if it weren't for Canadians?

  4. Scott Thompson is one of the funniest queens in the world. He was i the cast of 'Kids in the Hall' and he written about the peculiarities of being Canadian. He's a national treasure.

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