In light of Democrats having cornered the women vote, which is THE central voting-block defining over half of humankind, Republican’s are reaching out and touching women. Touching not only women’s rights, but a full spectrum of what might best be defined as “caring issues” — whenever possible using women to touch women, which is one of many a (straight) Republican leader’s fantasy… Left to face-up to those strategies that remain at their disposal, Republicans are committing all GOP women to one free week at the ‘Frances Farmer Deep Brain Tissue Massage Parlor and Spa.’
Earlier today, the GOP House majority unearthed their own variation of the ‘Violence Against Women Act’ with a street fair where ticket-holders paid good money to throw bean-bags at a levers which dunked Native Americans, gays and undocumented immigrants into a giant tank full of foul vase water. “House Republicans are committed to protecting domestic violence and sexual assault,” said an unidentified feminine voice from behind a back-lighted podium obscuring the voice’s identity. Once her hard-drive was properly synchronized with the lighting system, Madam Rep. Cy Borg of Stepford, WA hiccuped loudly into her microphone and started sharing the same desert recipe over and over again. All women’s microphones had to be silenced so as to regain order.
Democrats currently enjoy a comically huge lead among likely women voters who are not yet installed with Caterpillar-built digital conversion systems. (Yes Reince Pervert, we’re onto your Caterpillar connection, and it is worthy of mention that women who are Caterpillar-build automatons fail to need access to contraception and are remarkably life-like.) John Boehner and the other horny devils looking to bolster their own fragile sense of masculine superiority seek to block re-authorization of the V.A.W.A. while using talking-shills and blow-up dolls to both represent and stroke their masculine views concerning the measure. Boehner adding, “All Republican women who have not yet signed-up for transvaginal-ultrasound-reindoctrination-brain-transplants will be listed as RINO’s and shot under the Feminine Fair Game Act” — soon to be voted into law at the ‘Sin & Spank’ after-hours club on Connecticut Ave in Washington DC, where all the FemiNazi’s are men – (or at least were BORN male.) For DC tourists marking-up their Fodor’s travel maps, that’s the ‘Sin & Spank’ where God-fearin’ Christian men wearing pantyhose drink free every Tuesday ‘til midnight.
Olympia Snow, who chose to step-down from congress rather than do jello-shots for Jesus, feels it is politically perilous for Republicans to keep pushing their faces in women’s crotches if that’s the only thing they’re endowed to do. From the ‘broad’s’ perspective of the measure, renewing the Violence Against Women Act is intended to provide tools for law enforcement to combat domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking and is not controversial unless you’re a registered perp. WinnieToons suggests you Google the key words “sexual transgressions” and “congress” in the same sentence and then just hit enter and roll the dice…
The sticky difference between the Democratic and Republican versions is: Democrats want protection for same-sex couples, undocumented immigrants and Native Americans, while GOP lawmakers favor beating-up on these “inferior” splinter groups, as demonstrated by the public dunking’s in foul vase water. Republican women accused Democrats of politicizing the issue against a din of electronic feedback which sound-technicians were flummoxed over how to repair given none of the women’s microphones were live. Republicans intend to filibuster the measure as soon as they locate an old 33 1/3 LP they have yet to scratch… And or sniff.