Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck is under pressure to pledge her delicates over to Mitt Romney. Candidate Duck, who only ran in the Republican primaries for the jovial comradely of her fellow GOP hopefuls, expressed doubts. She felt she had a shot at the ticket due to a severe intelligence deficit among conservative primary voters. “But they were even more dim than we’d anticipated.” said campaign manager, Winifred P. Jumpingbean, adding “The right-wing voter’s biggest concern is nominating whoever most resembles a men’s Sears & Robuck catalog suit model. They want their candidates to look exactly like them.” It’s important to point-out that Duck D. Duck actually WAS featured in the Sears and Robuck catalog, however in the ‘hunting and camping’ section.
Ms. Duck was offended at Romney supporters demanding her delicates. “What is this? A panty raid?” Duck said while addressing reporters. “How about if Romney supporters give me their ‘supporters?’ Clearly, given their choice of candidate they don’t need anything to keep their balls tidy.” Candidate Duck had been briefly mentioned for the number two ‘slot’ on the ticket, however Ms Duck withdrew her name citing, “I don’t think I’m ‘fowl’ enough for that party and I object to being referred to as a ‘slot.’ Campaign manager, Jumpingbean is guiding Ms. Duck toward forming a third party now that Ron Paul has returned to the Mother Ship. This marks an official break between the Long Island Ice Tea Party and its affiliation with the GOP. The move is speculated to further fracture an already scatterbrained base.
“Frankly, all this discussion of her ‘delicates’ and ‘supporters’ has shaken Ms. Duck to her ‘foundations.'”
Said Ms. Jumpingbean. “She suspects Romney only wants her undergarments so he can secretly wear them under his robes at ‘Temple.'” Neither Winnie nor Duck would confirm or deny wide-spread rumors that Mitt Romney has been collecting ladies underwear ever since being deprived a steady diet of them while attending a prestigious boys prep school. (As an editorial aside, had Mitt been sent to Georgetown Catholic Boys Academy instead of Cranbrook, he’d have had access to all the ladies underwear he craved – Mitt is, after all, “a wild and crazy guy…”) Rumors have long circulated that Mitt Romney and Duck D. Duck had an assignation of sorts while on the campaign trail. Undisclosed sources claim that Romney’s base had no problem with Mitt taking-on extra wives, but if he were perceived to be having an extramarital-affair categorized as ‘man on avian’ that would be interpreted by the base as an endorsement of homosexuality, (The Gospel According to St. Santorum: chapter 69, verse 666.)
Speaking on Duck’s behalf, Ms Jumpingbean denied allegations that by forming a so-called third party, Ms. Duck was merely behaving like a waterfowl scorned. “It is completely untrue that Mitt Romney forcibly ‘leveraged’ Candidate Duck, or that he ‘sacked’ her, ‘screwed’ her and made her write bad checks – she did all those things of her own free will.” Ms Duck predicts a landslide win for the Long Island Ice Tea Party, pledging to “toss Romney in with the wash, leave him on spin-cycle and then hang him out to dry.” After repeated attempts to reach the Romney camp for comments, no one was willing to dignify our efforts with so much as a word in reply.