XXXmas Carols

I know a couple who once tried so desperately to get away from the Christmas holidays that they booked a vacation to Morocco, only to be awakened on Christmas morning by children knocking on their hotel room door, singing phonetic Christmas carols, and pushing a bedraggled tinsel Christmas tree at them.  Followed, of course by outstretched hands. 

There’s no way to get away from Christmas — and it’s a money maker — with no religious or spiritual connection to anything that makes a lick of sense.  Christmas is a retail holiday, commemorating a bogus virgin-birth on the wrong day and in the wrong season of the actual birthday of the historical figure, Jesus Christ.  Now doesn’t that just give you something to sing about? We should be singing Easter carols according to the theories of historians. 

There’s a lot of hoopla about how Christ came into this world, and lots of carols regaling the “virgin and child.”  Now how would ANYONE have known if the “Blessed Virgin” Mary was a virgin unless she was fully-pregnant while running around town displaying her intact hymen to anyone willing to examine it?  Or did the village elders give her a pubic gynecological exam?  Neither would have been particularly dignified behavior for the mother of the Prince of Peace.  But it would be the only way to prove her case.  We’re supposed to take-it on “faith.”  Let’s face it, Mary was an unwed teen-mother riding a donkey (which in and of itself should have broken her hymen) accompanied by an older man who either was or wasn’t the father of her child, while on their way to be taxed and tallied.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold it against anyone for having sex out of wedlock, I’ve done it myself plenty of times — but lets get a grip people — this did NOT happen as told.  The virgin birth is a fairytale wherein there is no mention of Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, or all that other rump-a-pum-pum… 

And unless the ‘blessed virgin’ was a reptile, she wasn’t a “virgin” either — as only certain species of reptiles are known to give virgin births albeit through eggs – so Jesus‘ mother was actually a reptilian Easter Bunny.  (Whoops, that might lead to new advanced theories on Darwinism throwing Christians into a religious tailspin…)  But roughly two-thousand and ten years later we’re still palming-off this unsupportable and greatly embellished mythology as an excuse to trample people half-to-death at the 3AM “Black Friday” bargain sale at Target. 

I feel personally held hostage by the holidays, and in particular by that insidious genre of music that becomes my unavoidable life’s ‘sound-track’ for as long as it takes to hawk as much useless crap as possible to any gullible fool with a credit card.

As I am writing this, tonight at midnight, countless Americans suffering financial hardships will loose their unemployment benefits through no fault of their own — due to the greed on Wall Street, enabled by our own Congress, which led to the financial collapse of the middle class.  It will also be my first Christmas on food stamps.  (Actually it’s a ‘swipe-card‘ these days, but they still call it “Food Stamps“ for old times sake.)  I was surprised to learn how in some locations potatoes are not covered by food stamps, but ketchup, however IS.  Probably because Ronald Regan declared ketchup a “vegetable” for school lunch programs in the 1980’s.  Come to think of it, Regan was the vegetable. 

But I digress — all the while I was standing in the checkout line at the supermarket, listening to ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ I was reasonably certain my groceries were in no way frivolous.  But I was surprised to find food stamps don’t cover toilet paper — so I paid for the toilet tissue out-of-pocket.  What’s a person supposed to do?  Wipe their ass with the Sears and Robuck online Catalogue?  I purchased nothing out-of-the ordinary, aside from splurging on Paul Newman brand dog food for Winnie.  She deserves nothing but the best.  Pet food is also not covered.

So,. while ‘Deck the Halls With Bowel Obstructions” plays monotonously in the background, emergency aid programs for the needy will expire tonight at midnight.   Eric Cantor, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell (talk about hoe, hoe, hoe) are holding firm to party lines insisting that tax-cuts remain in place for the uber-wealthy while unemployment benefits are considered unnecessary, frivolous spending.  It’s part of the Christmas myth of ‘tinkle-down’ economics.  The obscenely rich are causing $75,000 watches to fly off the shelves at Tiffany’s, and Neiman Marcus has already sold-out of this year’s “novelty” luxury automobile.  I’m not sure how much of that money will tinkle-on-down into the pockets of the needy, unless someone manages to pick-pocket the watch.


Christmas is now about rich people buying extravagant gifts for each other while wrapping-up the left-over holiday feast for the “help” on Boxing Day.  Hence cassoulet was born, whereupon the rich immediately took it back once the learned how delicious it was.

Christmas is NOT twelve days long like that monotonous carol claims, it lasts a minimum of 90 days – all of which is blighted with that insufferable music.  I witnessed my first Christmas TV commercial featuring “Jingle Bells” in August — granted it was for a deluxe holiday vacation cruise.  But truth be known, Christmas starts well before Halloween and doesn’t end until I’m inches from the asylum — or taken to living in the basement without any human or media contact.  Fa, la, la, la, la – LA, LA, LA…

… oh FUCK IT.

5 thoughts on “XXXmas Carols

  1. I like your suggestion, voiced during one of our phone calls or perhaps during my visit to Philly the last weekend of August, that Christmas should only come once every four, or was it five, years. Four would be good…if we could convince those gullible Christians that Christ's actual birthday was February 29th. Maybe Parah Salin, that hawker of things nonsensical, could be coaxed into being the shill for Feb 29th.

  2. I'd vote for Feb 29 as well, and for the "Slaying Song Tonight" I am Scrooge enough to want to deplete the "surplus" population. I know too many insufferable fools to think that children are "Gods Gift" any more. They are the door prize for lazy self-indulgence and lust. I believe that for the next century families should be limited to one child, and "christmas" (which no longer contains any trace of christ, in deference of those of us who are allergic to it) needs to shut up. Even if I was interested in becoming christian, the media glut and commercial greed of this extended season would turn me off for good.

  3. Let's all get together on Christmas Eve and sing carols on Bill's doorstep (first, we'll have to find a bunch of Carols). I'm sure it would restore his X-mas spirit!

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