I was shocked when Newt Gingrich lost the swimsuit competition during last night’s Florida Debate. Certainly Newt can fill-up the stage, but can he pull-off a maillot — no strike that — the thought makes me go blind. Last night Newt and Mitt were in a head-lock as to who has the sleaziest financial background, and for once the Newtster was caught speechless. But one thing was sorrowfully missing on last night’s stage: the divisive wedge issues we’ve all come to know and love… You know what I’m talking about — the subjects Republicans use as a diversionary tactic to keep from having to confront the real issues hard-on. So in today’s blog, I’d like to rekindle those issues using the worst possible taste.
Sex is the unspoken 800lb gorilla in any room. Woe is the poor soul who finds themselves having sex with an 800lb gorilla – but I digress… Sex has through the centuries been the all-purpose accuse-all for all-time. It’s the misplaced modifier of life: “Mrs Jones stopped over while I was mopping the floor with her new baby.” Obviously Mrs Jones had a “thang goin’ on – do dee – doo da – wah, wah, wah, wah…” Mrs Jones did not give virgin birth, or if she did, no one believed her, because it didn’t happen over two thousand years ago — which obviously lends credence to any hand-me-down story of illegitimacy. I’m talkin’ to YOU Bristol Palin…
Sex is also the sub-agenda of all Republican presidential candidates and debates. Well, that and money — but the combination of those two topics is a subject for another day. And a taudry one indeed. Rick Santorum thinks everyone else’s sex is tawdry – not knowing the origin of the word “taudry” comes from Saint Audrey’s lace which was less than regular -variegated and uneven — variety being the spice of life. Bullshit. Sex is the spice of life, with whom and however you choose to perform it — preferably with a willing accomplice and it’s no one else’s business. So Santorum can shut the fuck-up and sit down. Preferably on something cylindrical. He has nothing to offer.
Ron Paul. We suspect he had sex although it might have been by result of him swimming over the eggs which were laid by the female of his species – which is how the ‘Aqua-Buddha came to be born. But let’s not dwell on the idea of a Ron Paul’s naughty sexcapade with a humpback…
Mitt Romney’s ancestors — in fact the founders of his ‘faith’ such as cults go — is based on some grifter-cum-sex-maniac named Joe Smith who concocted hallucinations that justified his forming a sex-club where unmarried women could share one man giving HIM the pleasure of a harem while having ‘No Spinster Left Behind.’ It was a very successful program in it’s day… Mitt’s own great grandfather fled the United States with a bench-warrent snappin’ at his rear so he could retain the sexual variety of having a harem. And to each of his wives he did sayeth unto them “I hate to leave thee behind, but I’ll shall miss the front of ‘ye too.” And so it came to pass that Grand-pappy Romney fled south of the border so Mormonism could take root in Mexico, and Grand-pappy could continue enjoying the ‘company’ of a variety of women at his beck and call.
Pay attention here – this is about SEX, not faith.
For Newt Gingrich, love is a two-way street on which he has consistently and repeatedly been double-parked. Point of fact he’s abandoned a junker or two and left with a different and newer model — legally accomplishing what the Romney’s could only dream of — but instead a harem, Newt chose serial-monogamy and the “redemption” of the Catholic Church. The same church where “celibate” clergymen give marital advise while denying themselves the pleasures of the flesh because they’re all “married” to God — unless there’s a wide-eyed choir boy willing to bend-over to pick-up a quarter.
The unspoken history of the world is the history of sex and sexuality – well that, money and war — but back to sex. How else did we find ourselves stranded on a planet with an unsustainable SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE crying out for food and water? Because NO ONE talks about sex without ever really talking about anything else. Just exactly HOW did you think Mrs Jones wound-up mopping that floor with her new baby, were it not for a penis entering her vagina? Did she steal the baby? In which case it was someone else’s penis and vagina. Whadda think’s been going on for all these accumulated centuries? Are we under the impression the planet has been populated by turkey-baster babies?
The planet’s most pressing problems are ALL related to over-population — which is code for unprotected recreational sex. Blithering imbeciles rant and rail about the evils of contraception, condoms, morning after pills and abstinence which makes the dick grow harder – but what are we really discussing? WE’RE TALKING ABOUT SEX. (Without ever discussing it…)
Do I believe in the virgin birth? You bet I do. I know any number of lesbians who have never seen a penis up-close and personal — but have delivered a baby all the same. Prudes think it’s sinful for gay women to have babies – but what the fuck? They did it without having sex. Doesn’t that disqualify them AND their children from possessing the original sin of conception? Oh for Christ’s chaste sake, I’m signing off. The world is hopeless. Everyone go get laid so long as the sight of Newt Gingrich in a cut-away bathing suit hasn’t put you off your game. Have sex safely. There are too many of us – especially Republicans. World without happy-ending. Amen.
Florida is under-siege by the latest tiresome reality TV craze – the GOP primary with it’s endless debates. Newt, who’s platform is largely out of this world is focusing more and more on space travel and colonizing the moon. Allow me to be the first to urge him to volunteer he and his lovely wife (no, make that his scary third wife), Calista to become the first colonists. They could wear 3-cornered-hats and throw tea into craters for shits and giggles. The best part is there’s always a ‘dark side’ of the moon, so Newt would forever feel at home.
Tonight is another one of the pointless debates with Newt Romney and Mitt Gingrich - (note: one is as interchangeably awful as the other) – tossing barbs at each other while Ron Paul blathers incoherently and Santorum brings all discussions back to sexual wedge issues. This evening is the opportunity for the 4 freaks to rebut the President’s State of the Union Address. They needed a day or so to absorb the 91% national approval rating of Obama’s ideas and accomplishments in order to fabricate new GOP distractions and nonsense.
Romney’s so out of touch his own feet don’t touch the ground as he continues to make astonishingly tone-deaf gaffs, boasting about his obscene wealth to Florida residents where 40% of all mortgages are underwater. Mortgages notwithstanding, no one is discussing the very real possibility that Florida itself may well be physically under water within the next 20 years, but climate-change doesn’t play well among the GOP. That said, Newt Gingrich is on record as being a true-believer in global warming. Not to worry though, he can bullshit himself out of any corner. Perhaps ‘climate change’ is why he wants to relocate to the moon? I’d like him to relocate to the moon too. Other moon settlers might be Ron Paul and family, Rick Santorum and his Cool-Aid crowd – and Mitt Romney who could finally realize his family history dream of posessing a harem in peace.
Hot air balloons are considered historically to be the first form of aeronautical space travel. The first hot-air balloon launched in America was done so in Philadelphia, and witnessed by George Washington in 1793. It was launched 3 blocks from my little house in Washington Square. There’s a little plaque on the site – or at least there WAS… A sapling that traveled to the moon in the Gemini III capsule was planted on the spot where that historic hot-air balloon was launched — but tourists thought it would be nice to snap-off a twig as a souvenir or carve their initials on a tree that had gone where few men had gone before. Eventually the poor tree died. If we’re all lucky, the 2012 GOP candidates will also travel to the moon so we can eventually put-up an memorial to them too. Bon voyage.
House Speaker, John Boehner, not known for having aptitude at much of anything, managed somehow to multi-task by touching-up on his suntan during the President’s State of the Union address last night. According to authorities, special ultraviolet tanning bulbs were installed directly above the Speaker lest he start to look pasty under the chin.
It cannot have been easy for the top-ranking House Republican to stand, applaud and hold a tanning reflector throughout the entire hour and five minute speech. Even more difficult was the challenge of listening to Barack Obama list (in all modesty) the litany of accomplishments he has to his own credit — most of which were issues bungled by the previous Republican administration due to a severe deficit of competence. President Obama was able to take credit for everything from taking-out Osama Bin Laden with minimal elite forces (as opposed to 9 years worth of incomprehensible losses of life, limb, blood and treasure) to budding signs of growth as Obama has wrestled a slow-down in the out-of-control economic train-wreck left in the wake of George W. Bush.
Republicans had already started dissing the president’s address long before they’d heard a word of it, reinforcing their own paranoia about having nothing to offer the American people but wedge issues, stalling techniques and failure — embodied by the clown-car of candidates, one of whom they hope to palm-off on us in November, 2012.
The State of the Union rebuttal was given by embattled Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels who boasts the embarrassing blot on his resume of having served as George W. Bush’s Chief Economic Adviser. Mr Daniels’ words were largely in glowing agreement with the president — except when it came to the subject of the economy — Daniels feels the Republicans could do a much worse job, and hope the voting public with give them another chance to make all of our lives more difficult and riddled with fear. Mitch Daniels has as much, if not more economic blood on his hands as Bush and Cheney combined — so he seemed to be an odd choice to take Obama to task for not making enough economic progress cleaning-up the mess Daniels himself played such a large part in creating.
The goal of Daniels’ rebuttal, is much the same as that of the GOP presidential hopefuls by attempting to get citizens nostalgic about reliving the failures of the previous administration. John Boehner is personally doing his part by trying to achieve a skin-tone that’s a half-dozen shades darker than the president’s own in an effort to reach-out to ethnic and racial minorities. Face it, the GOP hates it when Obama tells it like it is and hits one out of the park — because all the Republicans have to offer is revisionist history and wedge issues — fostered by an optimistic belief the American public has such a short memory span they’ll forget how we got into this mess in the first place. But back to the issues at hand, would you like your wedge issues with or without bacon and bleu cheese dressing?
- Dissociated Press, 1/26/2012
The Tampa debates, which will henceforth be known as the ‘Tampon’ debates, because all the candidates appeared to be PMS-ing. No one discussed anything of substance except for Duck D. Duck who was quick to point-out how all her opponents are opposed to illegal aliens — while all of them clearly ARE space aliens.
Santorum is beside himselves to start a war with Iran over the ‘Strait of Hermoz.’ Mitt Romney replied with “Who you callin’ a Moose?” Which in turn got Newt Gingrich to tell everyone to “vamoose.” Ron Paul suggested the Straits of Hermoz might actually be gay – with in turn inflamed Santorum, and nothing of substance was discussed.
It remains clear that Santorum is frighteningly radical. Ron Paul is out of touch with reality. And Mitt and Newt do their level best to to out-slime each other. Once again, Long Island Ice Tea Party candidate, Duck D. Duck was the only one in the room soaring above the others and demonstrating true leadership. Chants of “Lord love a Duck” were heard throughout the auditorium.
- Dissociated Press, 1/24/2012
It seemed only natural after Duck’s stunning South Carolina defeat to Satan’s personal representative on earth, Newt Gingrich, that she and Winnie should lick their wounds and reconsider a new strategy for the Florida primary debate. And what better way to reconnoiter than by dropping-in on the kingmaker himself, ‘Clams Casino’ a.k.a THE Donald – and pay their respects in hopes of getting cash without enduring an endorsement. “We don’t actually want to be seen associating with Mr Trump” said Winifred P. Jumplingbean – “we only want him to write a huge check and eat our pizza in private.”
It’s been an open secret for quite some time, that should Duck D. Duck get the GOP nod, her first choice of running-mate would be a clam in a toupee — any clam — and who better to fit that description than THE Donald himself. It’s a little known fact that there are many Donald Trumps – but only one comb-over. The clam beneath the mysterious comb-over toupee matters not a whit, as one clam is pretty much the same as another. The secret behind the power of the Trump empire is held within the toupee itself. It has hath been propheticized that “whatever clam will wear the Toupee of Trumpdumb, so shall he be like a mighty kingmaker and media star.” Securing the hairpiece is akin to possessing the Arc of the Covenant, the Holy Chalice, the Sword in the Stone, and the Blarney Stone all wrapped-up within with the Shroud of Turin. Once Duck possesses the precious hair-weave she will use it like catnip to hypnotize the Floridian evangelical voting block(heads.)
The toupee has been handed down for generations from mollusc to mollusc — gathering braincells from each along the way, only to blossom into the master-mollusc familiar to American television audiences as: THE Donald. THIS, IS the secret of the Trump Empire. Duck, in order to seize the Republican nomination needs to secure the Toupee of Trumpdumb and place it onto the head of a clam she has brainwashed to do her bidding. (And just exactly WHAT might the head of a clam BE, I hear you ask?) Why it’s as much the top as it is the bottom of any clam — so it really doesn’t matter. One clam is as talented as the next – and one side is virtually the same as the top or the bottom. Securing the weave should be easy, since clams don’t have appendages, it should easy enough to over-power THE Donald and slip him a rufie — allowing Winnie and Duck to switch clams out from under THE Toupee. Whatever clam selected to wear THE Toupee will undoubtedly sign-over all of Trump’s off-shore casino bank accounts to be spent at the discretion of the Long Island Ice Tea SuperPAC. If a Newt can have shady casino-backing, so can Duck D. Duck. Clams are available by the bushel, which is convenient since Duck finds them irresistible with or without tartar-sauce or drawn-butter. Any clam can do a convincing impersonation of Donald Trump, so success is all but assured.
Winnie and Duck have a lot of work to do before this evening’s debate in Tampa. Duck’s new battle-cry will address the beleaguered jobs market. Bearing in mind how gracefully the baby-boomers are aging — and for that matter living longer — Duck intends to introduce a plan that would raise the mandatory retirement-age to 70 while encouraging employers who have not already pink-slipped employees and shipped their jobs overseas to either do so — or find flimsy excuses to terminate anyone over 50. This should exponentially accelerate the aging process of anyone claiming to be the NEW 40 while clocking-in at a decade or so past their shelf-life ‘sell-by’ date. This will in turn lead to increased expiration’s of any and all workers who previously considered themselves as having something left to offer. Sudden terminal coronary-arrest is encouraged because it creates the least amount of undue financial strain on the already financially burdened cash-cow known as the ‘for-profit health insurance industry.’ Younger voters who won’t be paying attention (and never do any way) won’t think this applies to them as all young people think they’ll be young forever.
The job of telling seasoned professional workers they’re “FIRED” will be assigned exclusively to the Vice President Clam in Chief for the pure joy of denying Mitt Romney the pleasure of his personally firing anyone — which is widely reported as being his one and only hobby aside from strapping Irish Setters to the roof of the family car and going for long drives on parched summer days.
- Dissociated Press, 1/23/2012
This is too disturbing to discuss at length.
The gullible among the American people are determined to self-destruct. We can only hope they catch-on to what a laughable scam Newt Gingrich’s performance as a ‘man of reception really is — especially if you’ve ever spent any time paying attention to his pattern of conduct over the decades.
Might as well be mature about it all and send a big congratulatory ‘shout-out’ to the Newtster “sieg heil’ dude. Sieg heil.
When selecting a country for expatriation, the challenge will be finding one where the ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ aren’t going to be off killing everyone and disgracing themselves in the name of Jesus to spread the ‘word.’
Let me save you some time “The bird, the bird, the bird is the word.” – The Rivingtons, best rendition done by Peter Griffin on ‘Family Guy.’
Every sane American had better hope against hope Gingrich is either tripped-up before being anointed as the GOP presidential candidate OR GET OUT AND VOTE for BARACK OBAMA on Tuesday, November 6th, 2012.
Heaven help us – or as they say in the Republican asylum “Pa Pa Oom Mau Mau.”
Rick Perry was dragged off the political stage today. Undoubtedly the GOP took him aside and gently let him know he was under-foot and needed to get lost. He was given a shred of dignity by making the announcement himself, although any number of Americans of all stripes would have pulled-out each other’s hair for the opportunity to make the announcement for him. So like Jon Huntsman, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann who all went before him – late night comedians everywhere will sorrowfully miss your blithering idiocy.
Perry is throwing his “political weight” – such as it is – behind Newt Gingrich. Stupid is as stupid does. As the say down south “nuff said.” Rick Perry isn’t worth the breath.
- Dissociated Press, 1/19/2012
Mitt Romney’s taxes are buried somewhere with the Arc of the Covenant on the Caman Islands.
Welcome to THE Caman Islands.
At least that’s how the slogan goes – with the emphasis on the “THE.”
I know nothing about taxes – or math for that matter except for intuitive geometry which is only useful in building birdhouses. That’s why I’m poor.
Money is not my strength.
I was a great disappointment to my father who was a born mathematician.
Math never got him rich either.
Time to start diggin’…
Mitt wants to release his taxes in April and is not particularly forthcoming about prior years. Five is the magic number.
Obama provided six.
Mitt’s been running for president for the past 5 years, he must be able to toss a lot of disposable income at that kind of hobby while maintaining multiple homes all on a retired fixed income.
Of course he gets speakering fees and lives on Ramon Noodles… To his credit, in a blush of generosity gave away all the profits from his book.
Who knew he had a book?
“Travels with My Dog” by Mitt Romney. Canine life in an air-tight carrier on the roof? For real? Have you been in a locked car in a hot parking lot for more than 10 minutes? Dogs and babies die in those conditions all the time. Try doing that with your carcass in a beer cooler with a couple holes drilled in it strapped to the roof of a car on a road-trip during a sunny day. Talk about bugs in your teeth.
Ask McCain about it. He’s been through it.
Mitt lives on ‘carried interest’ invested in offshore banks paying a lower tax-rate than any hard-working America tax payer could dream-of.
Word has it retired Iraq and Afghanistan War veterans pay a substantially higher tax rate than Romney enjoys on his carried interest earning of money made off of money.
But which is worse?
A man who’s been running for president for five years while building beach houses? Or a man who’s competing to be Satan’s representative on earth while running-up a tab at Tiffany’s?
It’s quite a conundrum.
Gingrich is releasing his tax returns next week, with a green oozing mist floating over the edge of his strongbox. Romney’s tax returns are all wrapped around silver spoons yet to be unrolled.
Santorum, Paul and Perry are unthinkable…
They’re all crazy-scary-unthinkable, but could there be a surprise?
This year the GOP could be like the Academy Awards of 1952 when Bette Davis was nominated for best actress in ‘All about Eve’ running neck in neck against a bravada performance by Gloria Swanson’s in ‘Sunset Boulevard.’ And the Oscar went to Billy Holiday for ‘Born Yesterday.’